June 13, 2006 in Sports

A history of our country’s soccer apathy

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The World Cup is far and away the greatest sporting event on Earth – the Olympics, on a good day, are a distant second, and when I say “a good day,” I’m not talking about one of those days in which there’s synchronized swimming or Nordic combined – and yet, here in America, the earth doesn’t move for soccer’s month-long spectacle.

With the World Cup underway, I think it’s important to understand our relative apathy toward the globe’s No. 1 sport. To do this, we must examine the past, so we now proudly present an abridged History of Soccer in America:

1492: Christopher Columbus discovers the New World and is aghast to see Native Americans playing football.

1687: King James II visits the colonies, complains that he can’t find a pub showing an English Premier League game.

1775: Paul Revere makes his famous ride, shouting out, “The British are coming with soccer balls! The British are coming with soccer balls!”

1793: Overheard at an Alexander Hamilton dinner party: “Soccer? Please. We’re an action nation.”

1891: Dr. James Naismith casually tosses a soccer ball into a basket at his home in Springfield, Mass., inadvertently inventing the game of basketball.

1898: The Spanish-American War ends in a 0-0 tie. Note to readers: I made that one up.

1918: Women’s suffrage is passed by Congress, giving soccer moms their first political foothold.

1930: The first World Cup is won by Uruguay, in Uruguay – most Americans could not find Uruguay on a map if you gave them a map of Uruguay.

1950: The U.S. upsets England, 1-0, at the World Cup for its greatest soccer victory. Like Wilt Chamberlain’s 100-point game 12 years later, nobody actually sees it.

(Column Intermission I: Queen Latifah announced “National Women’s Confidence Day” last week. Fine. Couch Slouch is announcing “National Divorcees Sympathy Week.”)

(Column Intermission II: I heard a stat the other night on an HBO documentary – every day around the world, sex occurs 120 million times. Thank goodness I’m not adding to that problem.)

1968: The North American Soccer League is formed. After an initial surge of interest, most NASL facilities are converted into Starbucks.

1978: While 2.2 billion people worldwide watch Argentina beat Holland in the World Cup final, 79 million Americans turn to “ChiPS” with Erik Estrada!

1980: Soccer hooligans arrive in New York and get trampled by Jets fans en route to Giants Stadium.

1981: Kitty Menendez grows tired of driving Lyle and Erik Menendez to youth soccer games, so she starts just dropping them off at the mall.

1989: Women begin playing soccer in large numbers. Future president Bill Clinton develops a keen interest in soccer.

1993: A USA Today survey indicates that “watching soccer on TV” is the 273rd most popular leisure pursuit in America, right behind “complaining about the weather” and “talking on the cell phone while driving an SUV.”

1994: The World Cup comes to America, but most Americans ignore it because McDonald’s is offering the McRib sandwich “for a limited time only.”

1997: C-SPAN ponders replacing Senate hearings with MLS games, but nixes the idea due to ratings considerations.

2002: The U.S. defeats Portugal in the World Cup, prompting ESPN’s Jack Edwards to say, “Mine eyes have seen the glory.” Coincidentally, those were the exact words I used when I saw the Hershey’s chocolate factory on a third-grade field trip.

2005: I date Mia Hamm, but she breaks up with me on her birthday when I fall asleep watching “Bend It Like Beckham” on home video.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Why can’t we find another super horse? (Robert Rubin; Cleveland)

A. American training techniques must change. I liked Barbaro’s trainer, Michael Matz, but he had his young sons by his side at the Kentucky Derby and at the Preakness. That’s a distraction. And who brings their children to work on the most important workdays of the year anyway? Plus, how come those kids are always wearing a suit-and-tie at the racetrack?

Q. There have been a lot of celebrity pregnancies of late. If Couch Slouch ties the knot again, might we see a little Couch Slouch the paparazzi will chase down the streets? (Carolyn Daniels; Fresno, Calif.)

A. Let me say this – if I see the words “Brangelina Baby” on my TV screen one more time, I am moving to the Mariana Islands and taking only a transistor radio.

Q. If the United States passes legislation making English its official language, will the Seattle Mariners be forced to move to Japan? (Jeff Morris; Spokane, Wash.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

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