Carolyn Hax: Her folks may be the intrusive type
Dear Carolyn: I am soon to be married to a wonderful young woman who comes from a family of hometown entrepreneurs and who has a partial stake in their holdings. We had discussed a prenuptial agreement earlier in our courtship but had mutually decided against it. After our engagement, her family has come forward with the desire for us to get a prenup, which has kind of backed me into a corner. Truly, there is only one option, since they have explained it as a way to protect their wealth.
While completely logical, this feels as if they are imposing. And if they impose now, what will it be like when we are married? My rational side sees this as a useless pile of paper we will store away, but my emotions get twisted with what a prenup implies, not only of the capacity of our commitment, but of my character and intent should WE ever choose to split. How would you approach this? – Don’t Know in D.C.
By making sure my next heiress is rebellious. You’re not upset about the money, just the intrusion in your marital business (and the intrusion of business into your marriage), right? So explain that to your fiancee when you tell her you’re uncomfortable with the prenup.
If that is, in fact, what you feel you must do. I’m not sure I would if I were backed into your corner. It could be these entrepreneurs also aren’t focused on money but on your ability to intrude in their family business. A “partial stake” often translates into power – to vote a large number of shares, for example – and no company wants its org chart in the hands of a court, be it civil, family or probate.
So, if this is the wonderful woman you want, and her family’s insistence really is “completely logical” to you, then I don’t see much principle on which to resist.
What I do see is an important conversation before you sign, about what both of you see as a proper place for the folks (his and hers). Even families without power are powerful, and while you can’t always anticipate how that power will come to bear on your marriage, you can at least be honest about what you fear.
Dear Carolyn: Apparently a guy is interested in me. He has asked me to go out (group things) four times now, but for one reason or another it hasn’t come to pass yet. Either I have plans, or something happens last-minute on his end.
My initial excitement is starting to wane because of this. I also think he’s a workaholic, and even if we did go out, we wouldn’t see much of each other. Should I still encourage, or give it up as lost cause? – Boy Questions
Neither encourage him, since you aren’t inspired to anyway, nor discourage him, since it seems like you don’t really have to, then see if you like what you get.