Expressing regret may cool her off

Dear Annie: Please help me deal with my self-centered mother. After my father died, Mom remarried and moved to California. I stayed with relatives in Ohio in order to finish high school.

After 17 years, my mother and stepfather bought a house 30 minutes from me. Mom said she wanted to be closer. I called a lot but didn’t see her too often because I have a full-time job and a family of my own to care for. And she wouldn’t allow me to bring my children to her house because she “doesn’t like kids.”

Mom was angry that I didn’t spend enough time with her after she “moved all that way just for me,” and she left after two months. She didn’t even say goodbye. I called one night, and the number had been disconnected. I found out from her husband’s kids that they moved back to California.

Since then, the only communication I’ve had from her was a Christmas card, and it did not include her new address or phone number. My older sister gave up dealing with Mom a long time ago, and the two of them no longer speak. She says I ought to do the same. I know Mom wants an apology from me, but I don’t feel I owe her one. What do I do? – Hurt and Mad in Ohio

Dear Ohio: Try to understand that whatever you get from Mom is all she is capable of giving. Decide whether you still want a relationship in spite of her limitations. If not, leave things alone. Otherwise, call or write and say, “Mom, I’m so sorry we didn’t get to spend more time together while you were here. I miss you.” Of course, you do not owe your mother an apology, but expressing regret that circumstances turned out poorly is honest, and it will smooth your mother’s ruffled peacock feathers.

Dear Annie: My husband had an affair. After she dumped him, he got scabies. He said he couldn’t have gotten them from her because it’s been months since he had sex with her (or so he claims).

“Roy” is blaming our dog for giving him scabies. It’s my understanding that dogs cannot give humans scabies. Who is right? – Asking in New York

Dear New York: According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, pets cannot give scabies to humans, although a pet’s mites can get under your skin, causing itching and irritation. Symptoms of scabies can take four to six weeks to appear, so if your husband’s affair ended within that period, he may be telling you the truth about his fidelity. Either way, we recommend both of you seek medical treatment.