James Lileks: With these parties, nobody wins

If the economy continues to percolate nicely, it will be due to increased drywall sales: Experts predict a continued increase in the number of Republican voters banging their heads into walls, trying to wake from this nightmare. It’s not the president’s poll numbers – that could be fixed by impeachment. (Worked for Clinton.) It’s not the staff shake-up – new blood’s fine, but nobody in Peoria is switching parties because Scott McClellan got the gentle boot. It’s not even the Iraq war, the prospect of war with Iran, or the prospect of no war with Iran. It’s Congress.

In short, the Republican base wants to know: Where’s all this partisan extremism we were promised?

Nothing better exemplifies the world-turned-upside-down madness than the response to the gas “crisis.” If the GOP were intent on educating the public, it would explain obscure concepts like “supply” and “demand” and how this big country called “Chi-na” has been sopping up more liquefied dinosaurs than usual. Also, we don’t build enough refineries, and thanks to the greenies we can’t drill anywhere Steven Spielberg might see the rig from his house. And he has houses everywhere. But who cares? Man up, ya crybabies! We’re Americans. Let’s go poke holes in Mother Nature’s noggin and hoover up some light sweet crude so we don’t have to rehash this drivel next year.

The actual GOP response? Hundred-dollar rebates. Cash money, friend, just for drivin’. We feel your pain: Here, have some money we borrowed from someone else. How’s your Starbucks bill looking this week? Caramel mocha lattes add up, we know, and perhaps we can spot you a twenty (as long as you’ll agree you’re addicted to caffeine) and let Congress mandate 25 percent ethanol in your morning cup.

Rebates! If there’s anything that exemplifies the nanny-state mentality, it’s driving up the federal armored car and pitchforking sawbucks out the back. For a moment the nation braced for the Democratic response – if it had been true to form, the rebates would have been twice the size, adjusted for income, paid for with a tax on those chrome fish emblems Christians like to stick on their cars, printed on recycled paper with soy ink and introduced at a press conference featuring a leading liberal strategic theorist like Susan Sarandon, who would use the opportunity to complain that Karl Rove has been giving her movies one star on Amazon.com review sites.

As it happens, the Democrats saw a nice issue left on the ground, picked it up and gave it a close look: hmm. Tax relief. Crazy, but it just might work. And so we had the Republicans throwing money at the problem, and the Democrats proposing a moratorium on gas taxes. You almost expected Bill Frist to propose alternate fuels based on embryo stem cells.

Anything but drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, of course. Some GOP senators still balk at that. Look: The only possible reason for a Republican senator not voting to drill the heck out of ANWR is that he has been informed, in secret briefings, that the Earth will split and millions of armed Mole-Men bent on conquest and pillage will spill out. Make that liberal Mole-Men. Conservative Mole-Men could form a new base of support. But no: We can’t drill anywhere, because some constituents at a tony fundraiser might make sad faces about the elk.

Karl Rove, we’re told, has a plan for ‘06: turnout. The base should choke it down and realize that a Democratic Congress would be anathema to conservatives: a big hard tax wedgie, cut and run from Iraq, Bush in the dock, no more judicial nominees, marriage licenses for gay ANWR elk, the full horror. So the strategery is simple: Turn out enough Republican voters to assure control of the House and Senate, but not too many – wouldn’t want them to get cocky. Give the Republicans another clear majority, and they may come up with some delightful plan to grant pre-amnesty and health insurance to unborn Mexicans, paid for with estate taxes and abortion-doctor license fees.

So now both parties are based on the notion that the other guys are worse. Wonderful. At least they agree on something.