Doug Clark: Future Spokanites, look on our works and despair

Spokane officials are asking for suggestions on items to cram in a time capsule so that the people of the future can crack it open in 25 years and have a good laugh about what a bunch of goons we all were.

Two coffin-shaped time capsules were installed in City Hall back in November 1981 as part of the city’s centennial celebration. The capsules were exposed the other day when city workers cut into a Chase Gallery wall, presumably looking for a safe place to stash their beer.

One of the vaults is to stay sealed until the day when frozen human heads can be unthawed and reattached.

The other capsule, however, is to be opened every quarter century and supplemented with new keepsakes.

“On occasions like this, it’s important to look back at where we’ve been and realize how far we’ve come as a community, as a region,” declared Mayor Dennis Hession in a written statement.

“We hope that the entire community will be part of this celebration.”

You don’t have to ask twice, mayor.

As Spokane’s Voice of Treason I am always willing and able to help. So I spent Monday morning compiling a swell list of worthy Lilac City artifacts. I then dialed the Office of Neighborhood Services – (509) 625-6737 – only to get a recording.

Sorry. An important guy like me doesn’t waste time talking to machines.

This left me no choice but to inflict all of you with the following Time Capsule Treasures:

“Deputy Mayor Jack Lynch’s black-eye busting bicycle.

“Otto Zehm’s 2-liter bottle of pop.

“Spokane Fire Department’s visitors guide to safe firehouse sex.

“The Rev. John P. Leary’s cop-issued “get-out-of-town” pedophile pass.

“County prosecutor candidate Bob Caruso’s law degree. (With original back-of-cereal-box order form.)

“Jar of Spokane River water collected after 53,000-gallon raw sewage spill.

“Tub of Charles Rowe’s industrial strength hair gel.

“Studded snow tire with matching grooved section of freeway.

“Mock turtleneck and peasant dress from the Dr. Kim Thorburn “California Casual” collection.

“Gift bag stuffed with $100 bills left over from last year’s Avista executive Christmas party.

“Bobby Brett’s anger management tapes. (Unopened.)

“Unexpected items seized during FBI search of Hells Angels Spokane clubhouse:

1. Rare pink Harley-Davidson “fat girl” bike.

2. Autographed Dr. Phil poster.

3. Barry Manilow boxed CD set.

“River Park Square parking garage prototype auto parachute.

“SayWa tourism bumper sticker. (Never used.)

“County Prosecutor Steve Tucker’s 9-iron. (Very used.)

“Remains of couple waiting to get into the downtown’s popular P.F. Chang’s China Bistro.

“One-of-a-kind cardboard “Will work for food” sign. (From only homeless guy near Dick’s Drive-In who actually was willing to work for food.)

“Canceled $43,214 check. (Issued by city to rehire Spokane cop fired for kicking a restrained, drug-addled suspect.)

“Last roll of Charmin not stolen from Comet tavern. (Autographed by Spokane City Councilman Bob Apple, who closed his landmark Hillyard saloon last April.)

“Developer Wendell Reugh’s secret plan to turn Manito Park into Manito Parking Lot.

“”From Ron Bair to Dennis Hession,” a coffee-table anthology of one-term Spokane mayors.

“Tasty Dorothy Dean recipes for preparing Spokane River “poo-lluted” fish:

1. Sludge Sucker Sushi.

2. Carp Crap Chowder.

3. Brown Log Almondine.