November 27, 2006 in Features

Just send best wishes in response to mailing

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Dear Miss Maners: I received the following in the mail last week, and I’m not sure what I’m to do. (The names are changed for privacy; the rest is word for word.)

“Lisa Ann along with the memory of the late Christopher Luke Castle and Cathy R. and Hamilton Fenton are proud to finally announce the marriage of Louisa Anne Castle to Stanley Sean Fenton. Luanne and Stan will unite their devoted love and affection which began 20 years ago in a private ceremony on (date but no time or place).

“Because you are so far away and cannot be with us to celebrate our union, we wanted you to know of our marriage and hope you will wish us well and think of us on our happy day!”

It arrived in a single envelope about five weeks before the event.

Don’t you usually send out announcements after the event? I’m so confused. Is this just a request for a gift?

Gentle Reader: It is hard to say just what this is.

A sigh of relief from beyond the grave of a father who can stop spinning because his daughter’s 20-year courtship has progressed to marriage? A presumptuous refusal, by the hosts on behalf of the recipients, in response to an invitation that has not been issued?

And what went on in that private ceremony 20 years ago?

Miss Manners is at least sure that it is not either a proper formal communication or a proper informal one, since it uses the formal third-person style without honorifics and with informal nicknames.

But that revealing, if split, infinitive, “to finally announce,” certainly provides more emotional information than can be found in the usual bland forms.

She would not, however, assume that it is a request for a present, even though many people assume that to be the prime motivation for marriage. Nowadays the greedy express themselves explicitly, enclosing written demands for cash or specific dry goods.

Let us assume, instead, that the timing was simply as misguided as the wording. You need send the couple only your good wishes.

Dear Miss Manners: I am head of an environmental organization that values sustainability and using resources as wisely as possible. I am frequently invited to speak to civic organizations or sit on panels, after which I am provided with a thank-you gift such as a mug or plaque with the organization’s mission, or recently a flying disc with a newspaper’s name and slogan.

I usually do not want this gift, partly because I do not use the items but also because I don’t want to have the waste of owning an item I do not plan to use and can’t be donated, as they have little value.

Is there a gracious way to decline a thank-you gift without offending the kind individual who is making the offer?

Gentle Reader: Leaving that person standing there, holding on to an object you have just pronounced useless, in front of an audience whose organization it symbolizes?

Miss Manners is afraid there is no way of doing that which would not be rude and embarrassing. The object is yours to put to whatever use you can find for it.

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