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Doug Clark: Dark horse emerges in race for prosecutor

The race for Spokane County prosecutor has become the “hold your nose and vote” contest of Election 2006.

It is telling when the more reasonable choice is an incumbent as lackluster as leftover lutefisk.

If Steve Tucker’s house were ablaze he wouldn’t be able to decide whether to: A. Jump out a window, B. Flee out the back door, or C. Wait for the FBI report on fire safety.

But compared to his opponent, Bob Caruso, Tucker is Clarence freakin’ Darrow.

When it comes to knowledge of criminal law, Caruso doesn’t know the difference between third-degree murder and Third Eye Blind.

A Friday news story revealed that during a 2004 trial a judge considered Caruso so incompetent he advised the lawyer’s client that, in 16 years on the job, “I’ve never seen a defense like this.”

Caruso’s response: The judge “never said I was incompetent. He said my opening statement was abysmal.”

That’s it. I am hopping aboard the Bob Caruso for Prosecutor booster bus.

Why? Because I believe in voting my job, that’s why.

This isn’t about party loyalty. This isn’t about common sense. This is about self-interest.

I’m like one of those religious nut jobs who always votes for the God-fearing homophobe.

Or maybe I’m more like the union dolt who always backs the Teamster no matter how many duct-taped corpses turn up in the trunk of the guy’s Town Car.

I’m a staunch Headline Party man. I support candidates who will deliver the juiciest news.

My gut says that Bob Caruso as prosecutor would hand me more punch lines than a Dane Cook comedy tour.

It’s happening already, and Caruso hasn’t even won yet.

Deputy Prosecutor George Gagnon, who prosecuted the aforementioned case, called his experience with Caruso the worst in his legal career. Caruso is “atrocious,” he added in the story. “It hasn’t been put out there what a complete loon this guy is.”

What’s your point, Gagnon?

Elected loons keep me working and readers smirking. Why, if it weren’t for office-holding eccentrics, this newspaper would be a vast, boring wasteland of Iraq War body counts and West Plains rezoning issues.

But I can compromise.

I believe I have discovered a write-in prosecutor candidate that will please everyone. Check out this recent news story I found on the Internet:

HAMILTON, Ohio (AP) – A city prosecutor was charged with indecency after a security camera caught him walking around naked in a government building after business hours.

The story credits a guard with seeing the image of a nude man on one of the building’s security cameras. The jaybird was identified as Scott Blauvelt.

Based on the behavior of some of our past leaders, Blauvelt would feel right at home here in Spokane County.

The report added that Blauvelt was spotted around 10 p.m.

This is commendable. One of the regular digs at Tucker is that he’s always sneaking out of the office early to play golf.

Wouldn’t we rather have a naked workaholic than a clothed slacker?

The answer is obvious.

There are a few hoops to jump through to get Blauvelt here: Paying a filing fee and lying about his status as a county resident, for example. He’ll also need to dispense with his legal problems.

But Blauvelt has an attorney who is blaming his client’s nudist inclinations on some sort of disability.

Wow. That almost seems worthy of a Caruso defense.

Blauvelt embodies the open and transparent government citizens are always whining about.

Soon we the people must make a choice. We can pinch our nostrils and vote Tucker or Caruso.

Or you can follow my advice and write in Scott Blauvelt – the prosecutor with nothing to hide.