Arrow-right Camera
The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Carolyn Hax: Making excuses for him bad sign

Carolyn Hax Washington Post

Dear Carolyn: Is there ever really a case of “It’s not you, it’s me”? My feeling is that if you are falling in love with someone, you will find a way to make it work. My boyfriend of four months just broke up with me, due entirely, he said, to his career. True, his job is high-profile and demanding, but I am independent and was OK with seeing him mainly on weekends. I was accommodating and also work long hours, so his schedule was never really a source of tension.

Recently he had a crisis at work and suddenly decided he was in no place for a relationship. He told me I was basically perfect for him, he likes me more than ever and he has had the most amazing summer, blah blah blah, but it was not fair to keep hanging out on his terms and timeframe. I think lots of people with demanding careers manage to have meaningful relationships, and his decision means he either doesn’t care enough or is too selfish and immature to focus on anything beyond his own personal advancement right now. He wants to leave the door open to “hang out” occasionally – can this only lead to more hurt, or is there a chance he’ll grow up and lose the self-importance? I really like this guy but know I have to play my cards carefully when dealing with an ego of his size. – N.Y.

There really are cases of “It’s not you, it’s me.”

But this isn’t one of them. It is you, for failing to see that “with an ego of his size,” you play a hand of 52-pick-up and go home.

I am struggling to see what you find appealing about this relationship that doesn’t involve a rationalization. You defend your independence in the same breath that you describe accommodating him without protest, hanging on his terms and timeframe. So which are you, equal or helpmate? Independent woman or eighth-grader at a school dance?

I think you’re arguing that your career has made you an accidental helpmate, too busy yourself to complain that he’s never around for you.

Before you bend any farther backward to accommodate this guy and his urges to “hang out,” please ask yourself if you really like the way your world looks when you’re turning yourself upside-down.

Even if I take you at your word that you “really like this guy,” and dismiss the ego (your other word), self-importance (also your words), selfishness and immaturity (more of your words) as cries of the wounded, I can’t see any happiness for you if he doesn’t want you as badly as you want him. Love and be loved as-is, or gladly be on your way. There is no other play.