September 19, 2006 in City

Election bashing the way to go

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Joe Barrentine photo

Pat Fitzgerald chooses a target in his 1975 Chevy wagon during the demolition derby at the Spokane County Interstate Fair on Sunday.
(Full-size photo)

Today is primary election day. Soon the votes will be counted. Soon the political questions of the moment will be answered:

“Will Mark Fuhrman develop laryngitis from all that nonstop talk radio cheerleading for sheriff’s candidate Ozzie Knezovich?

“Even if she loses, won’t District Court judicial candidate Debra Hayes keep those fetching billboard ads up a little while longer? Pleeease?

“Does assessor candidate Brad Stark really outweigh Spangle?

Politics is such dirty business. Too often the outcome is decided by the size of a candidate’s war chest or how many sons of a commissioner might be working for the county.

If only we could choose our leaders through a more fair and balanced process of mudslinging.

Good news, my fellow patriots. I have the solution in two words:

Demolition derby.

I came up with this exciting way to revolutionize the electoral process while participating in Sunday’s annual crashing of the clunkers at the Spokane County Interstate Fair.

Unfortunately, my vehicle – Doug Clark’s Revenge – earned seventh place, well out of the money in a field of 22 drivers.

Fortunately, I wasn’t among the daredevils. My finely tuned sense of cowardice prevents me from doing anything that might result in whiplash, cerebral hemorrhage or an emergency spleenectomy.

Like last year, I paid 100 bucks to have my name plastered on the No. 98 auto. That same car (a seriously crunched ‘75 Chevy wagon) is owned and navigated by veteran demo derby wheelman Pat Fitzgerald, of Spokane’s Fitzgerald Motors.

Demolition derby advertising is a perfect fit for me. Over the years, many letters-to-the-editor writers have compared my work to “a violent car wreck.”

The idea came while viewing the Grandstand Arena carnage from the chickenhearted safety of the press box: Why not replace the demolition drivers with candidates?

Some candidates are already meaner than a junkyard Dodge. Letting them get their licks in automotively would be decisive and entertaining.

Winners would be immediately sworn into office at the end of each car bash.

This would be a bigger draw for the fair than giant pumpkins, racing pigs and miracle mop hawkers combined. Frankly, I’d pony up $200 to watch Phil Harris and George Orr slam crumpled Lincolns into each other in a Spokane County Commission heat.

In the event of injury, well, we are talking about politicians. It’s not like I’m endangering a segment of the population that actually contributes to society.

Sunday’s demo derby provided plenty of noise and radiator-bursting thrills.

The first-place trophy and $1,000 went to 16-year-old Marty Westlake. That was definitely a surprise.

I’m obviously biased. But a special trophy should be awarded to Pat and his father, Rich Fitzgerald, for the effort they put in just to get Doug Clark’s Revenge into the fender-bending fray.

“The gremlins reared their ugly heads,” grumbled Pat.

Trouble began when 98 stalled abruptly during a racing event prior to the actual demolition derby. A buddy sitting up in the stands called me on my cell phone to make a snide sexual joke about the Doug Clark car having “performance anxiety.”

As it turned out, the poor wagon had a leaking fuel pump. It had to be pushed out of the arena by a tractor. How humiliating.

The derby was less than a half-hour away. Father and son Fitzgerald frantically cannibalized the fuel pump from their truck and then attached it inside the ailing 98.

It was like watching one of those frenzied surgical procedures on “ER.”

Pat jumped in the wagon with seconds to spare. He buckled up and put on his helmet. Then he roared back into the arena just in time for smashing.

He was doing well, too, gliding and sliding through the muddy ground and laying big hits on some of his foes.

Then the wagon’s rear axle broke like a politician’s promise.

My day of wreckoning was over.

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