This Christmas, give gifts with a Spokane twist

Christmas is three months away. And I know all of you guilt-ridden moms and dads want nothing but the best for your spoiled, willful brats.

Unfortunately, without a handgun, your odds of getting one of those new Tickle Me Elmo dolls are longer than Cal Walker’s chances for a promotion in the Sheriff’s Department.

But don’t fret. There are still plenty of great items available from our imaginative local toy makers.

Handcuff Me Orville ($29.95 – or up to 10 years, if convicted.*) – This doll bears a realistic likeness of Orville Moe, former operator of Spokane Raceway Park. It even feels slippery – just like Orville!

The doll’s wide-eyed expression captures the shock Moe must have felt at being named in a recent federal indictment with Dale R. Perry, former mayor of Airway Heights. The indictment claims Moe loaned the mayor $109,000 with the expectation that Perry would vote favorably in Raceway Park matters that appeared before the Airway Heights City Council.

(*Plastic handcuffs and Dale R. Perry Witness for the Prosecution Doll sold separately.)

Lilac City Singalong CD ($15.95) – Here’s a musical treat for the whole family.

This CD collection will enhance your civic pride with a tribute to our poo-plugged Spokane River.

(Sung to the tune of “Old Man River.”)

Old Clogged River – with big log drifters.

Makes me shiver – looks like liver.

That Old Clogged River – it just keeps oozing along.

This wonderful recording even has “I Tased the Suspect,” the Spokane Police Department’s unofficial anthem.

(Sung to the tune of that Bob Marley classic, “I Shot the Sheriff.”)

I Tased the suspect – and I did it with impunity.

I Tased the suspect – ain’t nobody prosecuting me.

The Spokane cops, they prowl the streets.

They got the badge an’ gun.

But when they pull the Tasers out.

That’s when they start havin’ fun.

The Taser, it makes the stun.

But I say …

EZ-Baked Meth Oven ($100 a gram*) – Now you’re cooking!

The patented EZ-Baked system will turn a young cook into a meth chef just like toothless Pops and his girlfriend, Crystal.

Comes with simple-to-follow baking instructions plus a “How to Speak Meth” course that will have you conversing like a real tweaker.

Sample: “Man, that Jared is one spun monkey. Dude did so much crank he got, like, totally geeked and spent 10 hours wandering on East Sprague trying to locate the Spokane Valley center.”

(*Sudafed not included.)

Wendell Reugh Wrecktor Set (priceless) – Hey, kids. Preserving historic buildings is for sissies.

Knocking them FLAT – now that’s the bomb!

This kit will have you turning landmarks into parking lots just like professional Spokane icon demolisher Wendell Reugh.

Each Wrecktor Set comes with all you need: a remote-control bulldozer, chain-link fences to keep out the preservationists and exact replicas of downtown Spokane’s aged Rookery and Mohawk buildings.*

(*Don’t tell Mom about all the asbestos.)

Avista-Opoly (price just keeps rising) – Similar to the original, this game is about another monopoly.

No matter what number is rolled, the player always lands on “Natural Gas Works” or “Electric Avenue.”

Either way, if you can’t pay you go directly to jail without passing “Go.”

Better wear a sweater.

Bob Apple iPlod ($9.99) – Unlike Apple’s bestselling product, the Bob Apple iPlod won’t download and play your favorite tunes, TV shows and movies. The iPlod plays only the memorable statesmanlike speeches recorded during Bob Apple’s Spokane City Council career.

But think of the money you’ll save and the joy you’ll have when your child exclaims on Christmas morn:

“Hey, this thing doesn’t have anything in it.”

To which you will reply:

“Look. You said you wanted an Apple. I got you an Apple. So shut yer pie hole!”