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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Goodbye, Pakistan. Hello, West.

James P. Pinkerton Newsday

Inside the mind of Gen. Pervez Musharraf, president of Pakistan:

I might be the first head of state in history who refused to answer a question at a news conference – because I was contractually obligated to keep my mouth shut in advance of my appearance on “60 Minutes.” When faced with a choice between my country and my company, I chose … my company. The company pays better, and I will need rich American capitalists in the future. Probably the near future.

Yes, I took an oath to defend the interests of Pakistan, which should, in theory, mean that I would speak out clearly at all times, especially at a White House news conference alongside President Bush last Friday. But I also signed a contract with Sumner Redstone, who controls both CBS and my book publisher, Simon & Schuster.

So I took a pass on a reporter’s question about how much muscle the United States had used to bring me into line in the fight against the Taliban in Afghanistan. Of course, I did put in lots of juicy details about how the Americans paid big money to nab some of those terrorists. But, if you want to know more, you’ll have to buy the book, “In the Line of Fire: A Memoir.” I’m certainly trying hard to sell books and build name recognition.

In addition to my TV gig with Steve Kroft, I’ve been on “Today,” “Charlie Rose,” “Hannity & Colmes” – even “The Daily Show”! That Jon Stewart cracks me up. Of course, comedians who make fun of everything aren’t very popular back home; I see that the Frontier Post writes that I used “humiliating” language against the mullahs. And so, the newspaper concludes, my book could “provoke hatred against Musharraf among religious circles.” No kidding. I know the Islamists hate me. They have conspired to kill me more times than I can count, all because I have tried to walk the tightrope between Muslim true believers and the Americans. And, in truth, all my instincts are pro-Western. That’s why I favor British-influenced military uniforms and London-tailored business suits. No beards for me!

As you can gather, I don’t plan on staying in Pakistan too much longer. That’s why I spend time schmoozing – what a great word! – with big Americans, the kind of men who could endow a chair for me at Harvard. Or maybe at Georgetown University, like my friend Jose Maria Aznar, the ex-prime minister of Spain. Or, soon enough, Tony Blair – he’ll have a book deal shortly, and a lucrative tour around the United States. Yes, the three of us might be disliked by our own people, but we can all find new friends and patrons in America.

My term as president expires next year, and while I could stay in power longer – I came to power in a coup d’etat, after all – I’m getting too old for this dictator stuff. At 63, I can’t stay lucky forever. If I’m going to enjoy calm in my remaining years, I need to be living in a place where I don’t need the army to be my bodyguards.

Yes, I will be leaving behind a difficult, even desperate, situation in Pakistan. One hundred sixty-five million people, most of them poor and angry but intensely and defiantly proud of their religious faith – burning much hotter than when I was young – and of their atomic arsenal. Meanwhile, a war is being fought in Afghanistan, and my people, of course, support their fellow Muslims against the “infidel” NATO troops. And, oh yes, on the other side is India, the country where I was born. The Hindus chased my family out: The nuclearized Indians hate us, and always will.

So goodbye, Pakistan. Hello rest of the world. I’ve got my book, I’ve got my lecture-circuit shtick, I’m ready for elder-statesman prime time. I can even tell a joke – Jon told me so!