Doug Clark: Race tips help the end come sooner

We’re 13 days to Blooms- day, and we all know what that means.

In less than two weeks, downtown Spokane will be oozing with a smug horde of shorts-wearing nincompoops who will pound the pavement in a transparent effort to make gravity-impaired sloths like me feel bad.

Most runners won’t admit this. They claim they run because it’s healthy.

Well, I have shocking news.

FACT: In 125 years or less, every person taking part in this year’s Bloomsday will be DEAD!

In light of these chilling odds, the whole event should be named Doomsday, not just that infernal hill.

Well, I’m not about to take part in this 12K fun run to the grave.

(Actually, I don’t even know why anyone still bothers. The Kenyans will just win again like they always do.)

But just because sensible fatties like me would rather take a header off the Maple Street Bridge than join the lemmings doesn’t mean we can’t benefit from a scientific training regimen of our own.

I have put together the following nonparticipant’s countdown to Bloomsday.

Follow this daily carbio-vascular plan and you will be at your bloated best by the big day!

DAY 1 – Not so fast. Not even great athletes achieve their goals overnight. It takes slow and steady effort. Plus a butt-load of steroids. So call in sick. Spend the day on the couch eating Cheez-Its and watching the Food Channel.

Damn! That Rachael Ray is hot!

DAY 2 – Buy a fancy running suit. Not to run, silly. Running suits are loose and stretchy enough to cover your girth. Plus you’ll feel like a million bucks if it costs a lot of money and has a Nike swoosh on it.

DAY 3 – Time to get serious. Hit an all-you-can-eat buffet for lunch. But pace yourself. Start with the breads and pasta dishes and slowly work your way up to the gravy-slathered fried meats and gooey desserts.

Hit a Mexican restaurant for dinner. Feel the burn!

DAY 4 – Your stomach is probably sore from yesterday’s stretching. Every trainer will tell you that ice is always the best medicine for sore muscles.

So soothe that achy tummy by applying an assortment of internal ices: ice cream, frozen margaritas, Wendy’s Frosty, Eskimo Pies…

DAY 5 – You’ll start to see signs of progress. Check to see if that bathroom scale you just crushed is still under warranty. If so, take it back to the store. And make sure to stop at a Dairy Queen on the way.

(Challenge: My record is two Peanut Buster Parfaits in under three minutes. I dare you to beat it.)

DAY 6 – You’re almost halfway home! Put two fingers on the inside of your wrist. Do you feel a pulse? All right! You’re not dead.

Celebrate with several pieces of Cyrus O’Leary’s coconut cream pie at Arby’s.

You won’t even have to waste precious energy getting out of your car. They sell it at the drive-through window.

DAY 7 – Ever wonder why people bother to run when they can sit around and chug pudding cups all day? Me neither.

DAY 8 – It’s Oreo Tuesday!

DAY 9 – Get the ol’ ticker pumping with a swift walk to the refrigerator. Put all the leftovers into a blender and gulp it down while humming the “Rocky” theme.

Oh, yeah. Gonna fly now.

DAY 10 – Try to work Bloomsday founder Don Kardong’s name into your dinner conversation. Example: “Too bad (chomp) that Kardong jerk (gulp) didn’t settle in (mmrf) Chewelah.”

DAY 11 – Don’t overlook the importance of liquids: pilsner, cabernet, bourbon, rum, ale, tequila, malt liquor …

DAY 12 – Have you ever wondered why so many fools go out running when they could stay home and gobble cobbler? Me neither.

DAY 13 – It’s Bloomsday! Time to go for the gold. Book a table at the Davenport Hotel’s Sunday brunch. Try to eat your age in tartlets and then bob for shortcake in the chocolate fountain.

Head to Macy’s after they throw you out. Reward your efforts with a new T-shirt.

You earned it!

(Tip: Better get a XXXL. It’s never too early to start training for next year.)