Carolyn Hax: Discuss money before moving in together

Hi, Carolyn: What do you think about cohabiting couples sharing money and household expenses – how should that work? Should each partner contribute equally to a household fund – a joint checking account to cover rent, utilities, groceries, and other shared expenses? Or should they contribute proportionately according to their incomes? (Our incomes are vastly different – I’m a grad student; he has a well-paying job, so that doesn’t seem fair.)

And we plan to get married; should the money system change then? I mean, do married couples share most of their money, or do they do a small-joint-account thing and keep their own main savings accounts? We’re moving in together over the summer, and I’m wondering how best to handle the issue. – Anonymous

Some split expenses evenly, some split them according to income, some keep separate accounts, some merge them, some have both joint and separate accounts, some hide cash in joint and separate mattresses. This is the useless portion of the answer.

Some are happy with their arrangements, and some feel bullied, resentful, used. This is a continuation of the useless portion of the answer.

The useful part of the answer: There is no correlation between any one type of arrangement and domestic bliss. In fact, my advocating one approach or another might actually make things worse, since the rationale behind it has to, has to, has to be yours. (Unless your rationale is to count every fiber in every bean. That’s just faithless, and none too promising.)

You and your boyfriend, together, need to decide what you think is right and good for you both. Not just about dividing expenses, either. This is about the hopes, plans, expectations, limits, selfishness and selflessness each of you will bring to this next stage of your life. Find out. Call it renter’s insurance.

You may not, and need not, find out everything, since so much is subject to change. It’s more important just that you’re able to raise this issue, talk about it freely and reach a satisfying agreement, since that will reflect your trust in each other.

Knowing you’ll have to call off the move, meanwhile, in the event you can’t agree – that reflects your trust in yourself. Don’t pack so much as a lunchbox until you’re confident you have both.