Doug Clark: Spokane to be home, where perverts roam

State lawmakers and prison officials want to add a $5 million treatment center for sex offenders at the Airway Heights Corrections Center.

Speaking on behalf of the local tourism industry, I don’t believe this is the sort of attraction we’ve been looking for.

Come on. The last thing the Spokane area needs is more sex offender attention.

Our reputation is already so tainted that many residents believe the civic catchphrase is really: “Spokane: Near Nature. Near Perverts.”

Sure, I realize that the prison system is already crawling with untreated sex offenders. Deviant behavior is a felonious growth industry. These people need treatment.

But might I suggest a more suitable site?

One of the unpopulated windblown islands off the Washington coast, say.

Or, better yet, Enumclaw.

After that unspeakable horse/man-love fatality that occurred there in 2005, what more can be done to ruin Enumclaw’s image?

What I’m saying is that it doesn’t matter to me where a new inmate sex offender treatment facility goes – just as long as it’s on the west side of the state!

Yeah, I know what the corrections people are saying. In our Friday news story, the superintendent of the Airway Heights lockup and other experts claimed that the proposed center isn’t likely to increase the population of sex offenders at the prison.

I’m sorry to be so skeptical. But I come from the “Field of Dreams” school of socio-dynamics.

In this case: If you build it, they will come.

Mark my words. Build this $5 million treatment facility and the Airway Heights hoosegow will become the “go-to” sex offender destination by state corrections officials.

Example:

Guard – Sir, we just caught Groper McFeely having carnal relations with his Gideon Bible again.

Warden – Holy Moses! No wonder the Groper is the state’s only Level 19 sex offender.

Guard – What should we do with him?

Warden – Hey, I know. They just built that new treatment facility at Airway Heights. Get me some transfer papers. I’ll get this creep on his way and out of our hair.

Guard – You’re a penal genius, sir.

(Editor’s note: Mr. Clark’s example was a hyperbolic humor device. No actual Gideon Bibles were soiled during the writing of this column.)

Friday’s news story also contained some cautionary words about sex offender prison releases from my friend, Sen. Chris Marr, D-Spokane.

“We should not become a dumping ground,” said Marr, who serves on a committee that deals with corrections issues. “We should not get more than our share.”

Hello. Earth to Chris.

Where have you been?

Prison pervert releases have already turned Spokane into a lewd and lascivious landfill.

Next to the Jumble, the most reoccurring feature in this newspaper is the headline: “Sex offender released to downtown area.”

Aw, I’m probably just wasting my breath, as usual.

Look at all the energy I’ve spent ranting about the power pirates at Avista Utilities.

I’ve whined over and over again about Avista’s stratospheric heat and light bills and its overpaid executives.

Obviously, I terrified the company to the point that it is now asking the Washington Utilities and Transportation Commission for a 15.85 percent boost in electricity and a 2.27 percent raise in natural gas.

Avista administrators must be shopping for more beachfront vacation property.

What I’m saying is that the Department of Corrections will probably get its way with this Airway Heights treatment center plan.

I’d probably be better off channeling my talents into coming up with a new city slogan:

“Spokane: At Least We’re Not Enumclaw.”