The Slice: Lack of skills? Life just isn’t fair

Looks like I’m going to miss the deadline.

Once again, I will not have an entry in any of the competitions at the Spokane County Interstate Fair.

The fair is not until September. But this coming Tuesday is the entry cutoff for most contest categories. So if you hope to win a blue ribbon for your baking, beer or tomatoes, you’d better get a move on.

I don’t really have an excuse for not being ready. There was plenty of time to polish my photography or sewing chops.

But the sad truth is, the fair’s competition categories are not a perfect match for my skill set. Is that true for you, too?

The solution? It seems pretty obvious. I need to lobby for some new contest themes. You know, categories that are better suited to my leisure-time abilities than gardening, crafts or raising swine.

As it happens, I have a few ideas — a baker’s dozen, to be exact.

1. Sweet-onion snobbery: Articulate your lack of enthusiasm for the bulb before you.

2. Clutter stacking: Contestants would demonstrate their ability to transform a mess into a seemingly orderly arrangement of piles.

3. Defusing dental hygienists: Entrants would compete to see who can offer the most unusual, though oddly plausible, excuses for why their gums are not in better shape.

4. Parenting parody: Can you deliver lines such as “I’ll give you something to cry about” or “Don’t make me pull over” with panache?

5. Remotesmanship: Contestants would demonstrate ability to fast-forward through commercials at high speed and stop just where the program resumes.

6. Talking about old TV shows: Judges would test competitors on useless knowledge of “The Andy Griffith Show,” “Perry Mason,” “The Twilight Zone” and other ancient programs.

7. Knowledge of defunct pro sports franchises: “Did the St. Louis Hawks ever play the Oakland Seals?”

8. Ozzie Nelson impression: Wear a cardigan and say, “Uh, Rick, do you have a second?”

9. Shade anticipation: With no shady spots available, motorists are challenged to find parking places where their cars will be in the shade before long.

10. Express line rationalization: Use applied mathematics and questionable “grouping” to count the items in your grocery cart in such a manner as to qualify for the fast lane.

11. Pizza ordering: Demonstrate ability to make up your mind about toppings before picking up the phone.

12. Identify random lines of movie dialogue: “That was Wilson, all right. And he was fast, fast on the draw.”

13. Canine praising: Convincingly pronounce dogs “good.”

“Today’s Slice question: In your household, what are the rules about stopping the movie/show when someone gets a phone call?