The Slice: The Slice: You’re gone, so you won’t be offended

Earlier this week, a caller to a Spokane radio show explained why attendance at certain local events lagged at this time of year.

“No one’s here,” she said.

Everyone is on vacation or at least staying out of town, she added.

Hmmm, I thought. Can that be right? I mean, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a few residents lurking in the shadows. But maybe those were just tumbleweeds and I need new glasses.

Perhaps Spokane in August is just like that one “Twilight Zone” episode where the increasingly anxious guy stumbles around the deserted town. And maybe I’m the one calling out, “Where is everybody?”

This woman on the radio seemed pretty sure of herself. Clearly, she had done some impressive research. To prove her point, she noted that she herself had been out of town just recently.

Well, that’s good enough for me.

Nobody is here.

Then I had a thought. If no one is here, that must mean nobody is reading the newspaper.

Sure. And if no one is reading the paper, then nothing I say today could offend anyone, right?

So maybe this is the perfect time to share a few things I have been reluctant to say because I didn’t want to deal with a gaggle of ticked-off readers.

OK, here goes nothing.

“ Maybe it would be better to have your cat put to sleep than to go ahead with the declawing.

“ About one in 50 Spokane residents is from another planet. That’s the only explanation I can come up with for certain behaviors.

In North Idaho, it appears to fluctuate between one in 25 and one in 75.

“ The prospect of yet another debate about the name “Pig Out in the Park” makes me want to lie down in a dark room.

“ You know, on your itemized auto repair bill, where it says, “Customer pay shop charge”?

Well, I have no idea what that means. But my suspicion is that it might as well say, “Customer pay moron charge.”

“ I don’t find the Marx Brothers all that funny.

I know. Lots of movie buffs disagree, including many whose opinions I respect.

“ When you watch certain seemingly feral kids in action, you have to ask, “Just what exactly is that helmet supposed to be protecting?”

“ There’s no such thing as hicks anymore.

“Today’s Slice question: Have you ever been a spectator at a sporting event and been struck by a baseball, puck, et cetera?