August 30, 2007 in Features

The Slice: These lines sure to spoil appetites

Paul Turner The Spokesman-Review
 

Here are five rejected Pig Out pickup lines.

1. “Is that barbecue sauce on your chin or what?”

2. “Gonna finish that?”

3. “Would you hold my plate while I use the chemical toilet?”

4. “Do I have roast yak in my teeth?”

5. “So do you think using chopsticks makes you look multicultural?”

“Just wondering: A grade-school instructor told me it’s common for teachers to have anxiety-filled back-to-school dreams.

She wondered if those in other professions have similar experiences.

Well, some newspaper people have nightmares about being trapped in the 1952 film, “Scandal Sheet.”

“Incident on the front porch: The same day The Slice mentioned skunk avoidance, Bonnie Dashiell had a close call.

“Went out to get the paper early this morning,” she wrote. “The guy who delivers it was in his car yelling (in Spanish) and waving from the street.”

She smiled and waved back. “Then I bent down to pick the paper up from the steps and came practically eyeball to eyeball with one of those black and whites. We both made a quick retreat in opposite directions.”

Maybe the skunk was about to filch her sports section.

“A case of mistaken identity: One of Cathy Rubow’s sons drives a big dump truck for a landscaping company. Not long ago, he made a delivery and encountered a little boy decked out in a “Bob the Builder” hard hat and tool belt. (Bob is a popular children’s television/ video character. He’s animated.)

Anyway, the lad extended his hand and told Rubow’s son that he was his biggest fan.

“My son explained to him that he wasn’t actually Bob but that he would give him the message when he saw him.”

“Language arts: “Why do people west of Idaho and east of Wenatchee say ‘come’ instead of ‘came’ for the verb’s past tense, or ‘seen’ for ‘saw’?” wrote Jim Yount. “For example, ‘I seen a deer when I come home from town yesterday.’ ”

Jim, that’s a direct result of listening to too much big-hat country music.

“Special note to dog owners who find it amusing to let their unleashed pets harass ducks in city parks: Try to stop being such morons.

“Today’s Slice question: Do unbelievably loud trucks appear as if by magic when you are on foot outdoors and try to make a phone call?


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