Carolyn Hax: Female sexuality judged unfairly

Carolyn Hax is away. The following is adapted from summer 2006 live discussions on www.washingtonpost.com.

Hi! What is the acceptable number of sexual partners a woman should have by the time she is 35? My boyfriend has been badgering me for a number, and I lied and said 10, thinking that is a low number, and he went ballistic, questioning my virtue, etc. I sometimes feel cheap, and I most certainly am not, but the funny thing is, he has been with at least 50 women!

I know double standards are evil, but they still exist, even among well-educated and well-bred individuals (we both have MBAs).

Is it a hopeless situation? Is there an acceptable number a boyfriend would allow? I can’t believe I am having this conversation, but this is not the first time a guy has questioned my morals solely by how many partners I have had! Is the clock turning back to the ‘50s? – Va.

The acceptable number of partners is:

Made you look.

He is the hopeless situation. Get out and be grateful he made it so easy. Jerk.

But then, you lied to him, and you used “well-bred” with a straight face, so the clock isn’t going back to the ‘50s without your help.

Own your life. Some people won’t like it. Tough.

Carolyn: As a male, I can understand Virginia’s point. And your advice about dropping the jerk is fine, however, You would be shocked to really hear the male point of view on sexual histories of women! I am talking, law school, pro-choice, Democrat voting, “well-bred” guys who harbor such unbending double standards. Many, maybe even most do, from my empirical evidence.

I think this issue deserves more insight than “He’s a jerk.” Trust me, as enlightened as I think I am about women, if my wife slept with me on the first date, or had as many sexual partners as I, I would not be married to her! – About Va.

Guess what. It doesn’t deserve any more insight.

Carolyn: When you’re having a serious conversation about sexual histories, isn’t the point to put out there what sort of health issues you may have dealt with or be dealing with? I’d dump anyone who asked me – I’m a woman – and anyone I asked should feel justified in dumping me. If you can’t behave like an adult, then don’t swim in the adult pool.– About the Number

Here’s what matters for health: Have you done X, even once? Yes/No.

So, the point of sexual-history sharing – not numbers – is to get to know the person’s values, attitude toward sex, attitude toward the opposite sex, comfort with him- or herself, comfort with choices, wisdom gleaned from mistakes, wisdom gleaned from successes, and other incredibly valuable stuff.

Sometimes, the valuable stuff comes in the form of a tip-off to a morally repulsive double standard, which is always nice to know about a person before you get too close.