Slouch says, no contest, Boston trumps Miami

This is a tale of two cities: In Boston, it is the best of times; in Miami, it is the worst of times.

It is a story of shameless corruption, unrelenting oppression and massive inhumanity. But enough about Bill Belichick – first let’s look at the larger picture.

In each of the five major professional sports – for the sake of argument, I am including the NHL and Major League Soccer as “major professional sports” – Boston is enjoying quite an edge on Miami.

•The New England Patriots have not lost a game this season. The Miami Dolphins have not won a game.

•The Boston Red Sox just won their second World Series title in four years. The Florida Marlins are in the process of being sold for scrap metal and converted into a Home Depot.

•The Boston Celtics, winners of 16 NBA titles, at the moment have one of the best teams in the NBA. The Miami Heat, winners of the 2006 title, at the moment have one of the best-dressed teams in the NBA – be still my heart, Coach Riley – but one of the worst records.

•The Boston Bruins, mediocre of late, at least have won five Stanley Cups. The Florida Panthers will never win a Stanley Cup; who can concentrate on hockey in South Florida?

•The New England Revolution – the Buffalo Bills of soccer – have finished runner-up in the MLS Cup four of the last six years, including three in a row. The Miami Fusion disbanded after the 2001 season because of, uh, you know, lack of interest.

Almost everywhere you look sports-wise in Boston, it’s the Renaissance; almost everywhere you look sports-wise in Miami, it’s the Dark Ages.

Exception: I’ll take jai alai over the Boston Marathon.

(Column intermission: In his final two games, Player of Destiny Colt Brennan completed 82 of 103 passes for 937 yards and 10 touchdowns – and he doesn’t win the Heisman? I would ask Heisman voters to do the math on 82 of 103, but I doubt they can count to 10! Geez. I’ve been touting this kid since he was 3 or 4 years old. For what? To see some SEC dude playing other overrated SEC dudes on CBS every week win the thing? I am embarrassed for the mainland.)

The most pronounced difference is on the football field. The Patriots, who welcomed the 21st century with three Super Bowl titles in four years, are favored to win another this season. The Dolphins, a model NFL franchise in the 20th century, haven’t won a Super Bowl since “The Golden Girls” were in diapers.

Their divergent fortunes are reflected in each team’s attempt to rejuvenate a Pro Bowl career. For the Patriots, Randy Moss is en route to a record-breaking season. For the Dolphins, Ricky Williams lasted six carries on a recent Monday night – it’s my understanding he got the munchies and, in a freak accident, suffered a torn pectoral muscle while running to 7-Eleven at halftime.

Weather aside, Boston even trumps Miami in most non-sporting categories.

History: Puritan colonists from England founded the city of Boston in 1630. I believe it was Jackie Gleason who first stumbled upon Miami in the early 1960s.

Education: Harvard consistently ranks in the Associated Press Top 25 for academics and counts among its alumni John Adams, Leonard Bernstein, W.E.B. DuBois, Ralph Waldo Emerson, T.S. Eliot, John F. Kennedy, Franklin D. Roosevelt and Theodore Roosevelt. Sylvester Stallone graduated from the University of Miami.

Television: Miami is well-represented here, the setting for “Dexter,” “Nip/Tuck” and “CSI: Miami” these days and “Wiseguy” and “Miami Vice” from yesteryear. But Boston is the fictional home to two of the best shows ever, “Cheers” and “St. Elsewhere,” plus my 9-year-old stepdaughter Mia treats “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody” like it’s “All in the Family” meets “Leave It to Beaver.”

OK, back to Belichick.

His is a story of class struggle, competitive abuse and utter shamelessness. But enough about Spygate, of which a still-unrepentant Belichick wrote in his blog, “It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done.”

Ask The Slouch

Q. So exactly how did you acquire your lavish home entertainment system – any possibility it fell off a truck? (Brian Templeton; Des Moines, Wash.)

A. My “lavish home entertainment system” consists of a 32-inch Sony TV, a sluggish TiVo and a beer fridge, pal.

Q. What’s it take to keep Brett Favre out of a game? (Ron Bragg; Reading, Pa.)

A. Tell him Mervyns is having a big Sunday sale on Wranglers.

Q. What did you do to celebrate the U.S.’s Davis Cup victory? (T.J. Pierce; Appleton, Wis.)

A. Can you send me some more information on that? I was watching bowling.

Q. If Couch Slouch were to sign A-Rod, would Shirley have to pay the man every 1.46 seconds for the next 10 years? Note: Calculation based on a $275 million, 10-year package and $1.25 per transaction. (Kevin Dopart; Washington, D.C.)

A. Shirley, let’s add this gentleman to our payroll department.