Las Vegas seems perfect for NBA show

For the first time in its history, the NBA will hold its All-Star Game in a non-NBA city – Las Vegas.

Who signed off on that one, Charles Barkley?

(Actually, it was NBA uber-czar David Stern, a man so image-conscious, he airbrushes his driver’s license photo.)

Las Vegas and the NBA have plenty in common:

•The Mirage has a volcano, the Pistons have Rasheed Wallace.

•The Flamingo once was run by Bugsy Siegel, the Hornets once were run by Muggsy Bogues.

•Nevada always will have flophouses, the league always will have Vlade Divac.

News flash: Taking its cue from new NBA rules, Las Vegas now restricts contact on drive-thru weddings.

I love Las Vegas. Like 7-Eleven, it never closes. Like Deadwood, it tolerates anything. And like my prostate, it gets larger every year.

(I am proud to call three places “home:” My actual hometown of Washington, D.C. , my current home of Los Angeles and my adopted hometown of Las Vegas. I am equally at ease in all three cities, each of which has more sinners per capita than anywhere in the U.S.)

Plus, another hidden pleasure of Las Vegas – it’s tattoo heaven. Tattoo parlors, tattoo cover-up, tattoo removal; body piercing, body jewelry. … Where else would an NBA all-star want to spend his down time?

News flash: If the NBA had been in town in 1999, the tiger attack on Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy would have been ruled a “flagrant 2.”

Ah, but some people wonder what larger-than-life, outlandish-and-outlaw NBA players will do to Las Vegas this weekend, and vice versa. But the Pro Bowlers Tour just came through town last month – hey, you give those guys a beer and a shot and they’ll turn Caesars into “Roadhouse” – and, frankly, Walter Ray Williams Jr. and Company left The Strip bare and beaten.

Anyway, as the Las Vegas marketing mantra goes: What happens here, stays here.

(That’s good news for Kobe!)

Incidentally, I figure the Suns’ Amare Stoudemire only plays the don’t pass line in dice.

News flash: Pregame performer Wayne Newton is following the NBA’s lead and will discard his micro-fiber composite hair for the original leather.

Can you imagine if the NBA had brought All-Star Weekend here 15 years ago? By the time the slam-dunk contest began, Michael Jordan might’ve bet the farm and Dennis Rodman might’ve joined Cirque du Soleil.

(Speaking of which, did you hear the heretical comments of Bulls rookie Tyrus Thomas when asked about competing in the slam-dunk competition? “I’m just going to go out there, get my check and call it a day,” he said. Uh, thanks for coming, Tyrus – don’t let the Bellagio fountains spray you on your way out.)

News flash: NBA Skills Challenge to include chest pass, bounce pass, zigzag dribble and “halftime wagers.”

Anyway, as a friend and a fan of the league, I’d be remiss if I didn’t help the NBA’s young and restless survive All-Star Weekend in Sin City. So listen up. There are two ironclad rules of thumb when in town:

1. Always split aces.

2. Leave all gratuities in plain view on the nightstand before your date leaves.

Ask The Slouch

Q. They’re going to play soccer games in Italy at empty stadiums – doesn’t the spectacle of sport lose its appeal without anyone watching it? (Robert Locke; Oakland, Calif.)

A. Actually, we’ve been doing this for years – it’s called MLS.

Q. If a person who defends himself in court has a fool for a lawyer, how would you describe a general manager who coaches for himself? (Jim Spurr; Dalton Gardens, Idaho)

A. I guess I would describe Isiah Thomas as a bit foolish.

Q. Former NBA center John Amaechi says he’s gay. Who will be the first poker pro to come out of the closet? (Megan Bridges; Bethel Park, Pa.)

A. Alas, poker is a game of deception.

Q. With the new Democratic-controlled Congress, President Bush has said he is open to the idea of increasing the minimum wage. Does this mean the Florida Marlins may soon be legally required to boost their payroll? (Christian Tentoni; Greenfield, Wis.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.