If elected, I will not serve very well
City Councilman Al French announced Tuesday that he will run for Spokane mayor, which would have had a lot more news value if Al hadn’t had that “I’m Running for Spokane Mayor” sign taped to his back.
That’s OK. I salute any public servant who is trying to do the right thing by expanding his political power.
But as someone who earns his paycheck preying on the entertainment value of Spokane government, I do not look forward to the next eight months.
Not if all we get is French vs. Mayor Dennis Hession.
I like Al. I like Dennis.
But these two have the charisma quotient of Cream of Wheat.
Look at the photograph of French declaring his mayoral aspirations during a news conference at Riverfront Park. (The photo appeared on page B3 in Wednesday’s Spokesman-Review.)
Even the statue of astronaut Michael P. Anderson has turned away fr–-–om lack of interest.
A French/Hession debate will be like two kittens mewing at each other.
French – “Both the mayor and the council need to be strong.”
Hession – “It’s a beautiful day in our neighborhood.”
French – “Stronger than dirt.”
Hession – “Won’t you be my neighbor?”
The public deserves more. And by more I mean more misfits, miscreants and malcontents.
Where are the fiery gadflies? Where are the jaded political outsiders?
I’ve thought about running.
I already came up with a great slogan for my campaign signs: “Mayor Doug. Better than any of those other boobs.”
As your mayor I would not shy away from flying off the handle or making snap judgments.
I would have ordered the public caning of that firefighter last year who had firehouse sex with the teenage girl he met over the Internet.
The voters deserve some bombast now and then.
Speaking of which, I read in the newspaper that a guy is filing a $1 million claim against Spokane because some coot on the Citizens Review Commission called him an “ass.”
That’s ridiculous. If I filed a lawsuit every time somebody called me an ass I’d be … Steve Eugster.
If elected, I will impose a fine on anyone calling the Opera House the INB Performing Arts Center. Plus I will cut Monday night City Council meetings short so I can get home and watch “Two and a Half Men.”
I have prior experience, too, having previously run a very successful campaign for Millwood mayor.
At least it was successful until some spoilsport pointed out that the Millwood mayor actually has to live in Millwood.
Residency is no issue here. I am a lifelong inbred – I mean embedded – resident of Spoklahoma.
No, this time the Mayor Clark douggernaut was derailed by a more insidious and insurmountable obstacle: 1,400 bucks.
That, I learned from a colleague, is the filing fee required by candidates wanting to be Spokane mayor.
Are you kidding me? This is economic discrimination.
Most of the wing nuts I know are too maxed out on their credit cards to come up with that kind of scratch.
Oh, I suppose I could file a bogus claim of indigence and then go collect the names of 1,400 valid city voters on a petition. That would count the same as cash.
But honestly, who in their right mind wants to waste that much time around the public?
What we need is an assistance fund to pay the mayoral filing fees for colorful crackpot candidates. I’d ask French and Hession for their position on this important issue, but I know what they’d say.
“Meow.”