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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Wife devotes all her time to mom

Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar Creators Syndicate

Dear Annie: My wife’s mother is institutionalized with advanced Alzheimer’s. The facility where she lives is very expensive and provides 24-hour skilled nursing care, therapy and a full slate of activities for residents. My father-in-law, who is financially secure, lives close by and spends a lot of his time with his wife.

My problem is, over the past year or so, my wife seems to have decided that it’s her job to take care of her mother, even though her mom has absolutely no clue who my wife is. We buy Mom’s clothes, music and books and do her laundry. Worse, my wife thinks she needs to be at the facility every evening to feed her mom dinner, and on weekends she feeds her lunch and stays to feed her dinner as well. It’s a good half-hour to the home, so we drive a lot.

I spent my wife’s birthday at the nursing home. I spent Halloween at the nursing home. I spent Thanksgiving there. I spent Christmas there. We attend every function and volunteer for every event they have, and my wife takes time off work if these events happen during the day. I’m self-employed and end up losing work time because I’m also expected to go. I recently suggested we take a trip for a weekend, and her response was, “Who’ll take care of Mom?” When I suggested a nurse’s aide, or one of her siblings who never shows up, a huge fight ensued.

I’m still young, healthy and fit, but I feel like I live in the nursing home. I love my wife and don’t want to put her in the position of choosing between her mother and me, but I’m about ready to go over the wall. – Unwilling Inmate

Dear Unwilling: Your wife believes she needs to be there for every second of Mom’s life, to reassure herself that she has done everything possible. Her devotion is impressive, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of her marriage. Going daily to feed Mom dinner is fine, but if your wife wishes to attend multiple events, tell her she will have to go without you. Call her siblings and ask them to offer to visit Mom on a weekend so your wife can take a break. Also contact the nursing home social worker to help you and your wife prioritize these obligations.

Dear Annie: There is a case pending in my area involving an elderly man on oxygen who was smoking and started a fire that put several families out of their homes and killed a child. The man is being tried for manslaughter. “Desperate” and her family need to get tough. – Midwest Monitor

Dear Midwest: Thank you for graphically pointing out the hazards. You will be relieved to know that “Desperate” wrote back to tell us that a family powwow persuaded Grandpa to stop putting the family at risk. We were glad to hear it.