Carolyn Hax: SO denies her obvious crush

Dear Carolyn: We all know what it’s like to fall in love and know how others behave when they do. So what do you do when it appears that your SO is in love with someone else? It’s nearly impossible to feel sympathy for someone who’s pining over their crush. I thought we might get married, but I’m not up for having a wife who can’t make up her mind. Unfortunately questioning this relationship has only gotten a stiff denial, but if it’s not unrequited love, why the schoolgirl antics? Besides, I thought all guys at book club were gay. – Chicago

First of all, you’re assuming it’s love. Yes, we do all know what it’s like to fall. But we also know what it’s like to be infatuated, and how others behave when they are. We know it in two words, in fact: “schoolgirl antics.” Even the men.

Granted, downgrading her affections to a crush doesn’t entirely salvage your marital prospects, but it does give them a chance, and therefore changes the answer. Love has permanence to it; the only thing permanent about a crush tends to be the stubborn residue of disbelief that we ever found certain people attractive. Your girlfriend could be yours again, all yours, with emphatic relief, by February.

Should that day come, though, the speculation continues. That she’s vulnerable to crushes, for instance, could just be human and harmless, or a serious indication her feelings for you have dropped off. She herself has to fill in that blank, by figuring out, and then sharing, what’s on her mind.

Even if there’s no crush, you still have to reckon with those stiff denials – which stand as insults to your intelligence where honesty, or even an honest nonanswer, like, “I know I’m being weird, but I can’t even explain it to myself yet,” was called for.

Whether her denials represent a small worry or a big one lies in their likely motivation: either that she’s not ready to talk about her antics, or she’s not willing.

It’s a subtle distinction that, over a life together, would become anything but. The former says that her way of dealing with problems is to get some handle on them before she goes on the record. Again, not always ideal, but I also don’t think you can fault someone for not wanting to let, say, a small, possibly unwelcome little torch for a book-club guy immolate her much stronger, more valued relationship with you.

If, on the other hand, she just won’t face you, then you have someone who deals with problems by not dealing with them – a problem you’d want to deal with now, face-to-face, with a note of finality and a grateful nod to whomever.

So, how badly do you want this to work?