Doug Clark: Fun civic facts visitors might otherwise miss

The Lilac City is crawling with shiny new people who are here because we’re hosting the U.S. Figure Skating Championships.

What a perfect fit. This community is always skating on thin ice.

You fresh victims, I mean out-of-towners, can’t be expected to know much about this winter blunderland we call home.

That’s where I come in.

On behalf of our Convention and Visitors Bureau, I have suspended my usual pompous Iraq War discourse. I will instead treat you newcomers to some fun facts about the Spokanistan area that for some reason never make the tourism brochures.

“Spokane is Washington’s second-largest city, a title we won last year from Tacoma on a Super Bowl bet.

“North Idaho hotel magnate Duane Hagadone enjoys wandering around his posh Coeur d’Alene Resort in a Darth Vader suit.

“Spokane Mayor Dennis Hession once hired a consulting firm for advice on ordering lunch.

“According to Collection Agency Monthly, Spokane County is the nation’s third-easiest place to buy a judge.

“A $260,000 efficiency study on Spokane government has found that 300 work hours are wasted each week by city employees chanting “Go Zags!”

“Spokane County Prosecutor Steve Tucker really did get his law degree from the back of a cereal box.

“Spokane’s first Bloomsday started with Don Kardong sprinting down Riverside to beat a parking ticket.

“Fairchild Air Force base is owned by Northern Quest Casino.

“Mark Fuhrman (of O.J. Simpson trial fame) has a morning Spokane radio talk show.

“No, really. That last one’s true.

“Workers at the Wastewater Treatment Plant refer to the Spokane River as “Nature’s Honeybucket.”

“Hoping to win the military vote when he runs for Spokane mayor, Councilman Al French will change his last name to a less-cowardly nationality.

“KXLY-4 television’s “True View” forecast is actually chief meteorologist Kris Crocker flipping a coin.

“Attempting to raise $10 million to pay off sex abuse victims, the Spokane Catholic Diocese is selling indulgences with the slogan: “If you pay, your soul’s OK.”

“Spokane Valley’s city center is Millwood.

“In Spokane on a campaign swing, Vice President Dick Cheney took several shots at the Riverfront Park garbage goat.

“Spokane sports czar Bobby Brett once got an autographed jockstrap as a Christmas present from his Hall of Fame baseball brother, George.

“In Athol, children under 12 must have parental approval to buy an “I Love Athol” T-shirt.

“The Avista power company will accept a firstborn child in lieu of a late payment.

“In his later years, Bing Crosby told everyone he was from Spangle.

“Spokane Deputy Mayor Jack Lynch, absent from City Hall since late December, plays a small role in Kevin Federline’s upcoming “Life Comes at You Fast” TV commercial.

“Expo ‘74 was actually held in Reardan.

“Spokane Gypsy leader Jimmy Marks often lectures at Harvard on voodoo economics.

“On a dare, Spokane City Councilman Brad Stark once ate his own weight in pudding.

“KREM-2 news anchor Charles Rowe has loaned his hair several times to NASA for heat shield research.

“”Sex offender moves into downtown” is The Spokesman-Review’s most oft-repeated headline.

“The Spokane Police Department hasn’t killed any unarmed, innocent and mentally ill janitors in 10 months!

“”Spokane Falls” is a proper noun followed by a verb.

The Lilac City is crawling with shiny new people who are here because we’re hosting the U.S. Figure Skating Championships.

What a perfect fit. This community is always skating on thin ice.

You fresh victims, I mean out-of-towners, can’t be expected to know much about this winter blunderland we call home.

That’s where I come in.

On behalf of our Convention and Visitors Bureau, I have suspended my usual pompous Iraq War discourse. I will instead treat you newcomers to some fun facts about the Spokanistan area that for some reason never make the tourism brochures.

“Spokane is Washington’s second-largest city, a title we won last year from Tacoma on a Super Bowl bet.

“North Idaho hotel magnate Duane Hagadone enjoys wandering around his posh Coeur d’Alene Resort in a Darth Vader suit.

“Spokane Mayor Dennis Hession once hired a consulting firm for advice on ordering lunch.

“According to Collection Agency Monthly, Spokane County is the nation’s third-easiest place to buy a judge.

“A $260,000 efficiency study on Spokane government has found that 300 work hours are wasted each week by city employees chanting “Go Zags!”

“Spokane County Prosecutor Steve Tucker really did get his law degree from the back of a cereal box.

“Spokane’s first Bloomsday started with Don Kardong sprinting down Riverside to beat a parking ticket.

“Fairchild Air Force base is owned by Northern Quest Casino.

“Mark Fuhrman (of O.J. Simpson trial fame) has a morning Spokane radio talk show.

“No, really. That last one’s true.

“Workers at the Wastewater Treatment Plant refer to the Spokane River as “Nature’s Honeybucket.”

“Hoping to win the military vote when he runs for Spokane mayor, Councilman Al French will change his last name to a less-cowardly nationality.

“KXLY-4 television’s “True View” forecast is actually chief meteorologist Kris Crocker flipping a coin.

“Attempting to raise $10 million to pay off sex abuse victims, the Spokane Catholic Diocese is selling indulgences with the slogan: “If you pay, your soul’s OK.”

“Spokane Valley’s city center is Millwood.

“In Spokane on a campaign swing, Vice President Dick Cheney took several shots at the Riverfront Park garbage goat.

“Spokane sports czar Bobby Brett once got an autographed jockstrap as a Christmas present from his Hall of Fame baseball brother, George.

“In Athol, children under 12 must have parental approval to buy an “I Love Athol” T-shirt.

“The Avista power company will accept a firstborn child in lieu of a late payment.

“In his later years, Bing Crosby told everyone he was from Spangle.

“Spokane Deputy Mayor Jack Lynch, absent from City Hall since late December, plays a small role in Kevin Federline’s upcoming “Life Comes at You Fast” TV commercial.

“Expo ‘74 was actually held in Reardan.

“Spokane Gypsy leader Jimmy Marks often lectures at Harvard on voodoo economics.

“On a dare, Spokane City Councilman Brad Stark once ate his own weight in pudding.

“KREM-2 news anchor Charles Rowe has loaned his hair several times to NASA for heat shield research.

“”Sex offender moves into downtown” is The Spokesman-Review’s most oft-repeated headline.

“The Spokane Police Department hasn’t killed any unarmed, innocent and mentally ill janitors in 10 months!

“”Spokane Falls” is a proper noun followed by a verb.