Carolyn Hax: Ex irrelevant so get on with living

Dear Carolyn: I broke up with an ex more than a year ago. He has since moved to another city and is in a serious relationship. I’m still in D.C., still at the same stupid job and have been through an assortment of mediocre relationships. Now, things were hardly bells and stars with him – and he should properly remain an ex – but we did get along very well. I find myself thinking about him way more than I should. To make matters worse, we’ve e-mailed lately. How do I knock this loser out of my head? And how do I stop feeling bad about my own life in comparison to his? – Washington

You can stop talking about your ex in a letter about you. He’s relevant only once: where you say you got along very well. So, you’re going through life now with, essentially, the company of one less person you care about, and without the joint future you might have envisioned. That is significant, and hard.

But he doesn’t explain your static address, your stupid job and your mediocre relationships, or your frustration with them. When it’s time to explain those, you’re it.

Which is great news. Having no one else to blame means you also have no one else in your way.

In fact, if I had to connect your malaise to your ex, I’d offer your perception of his success. Seeing it as a referendum on you stands in the way of an honest assessment of the choices you’ve made for yourself.

Yes, it’s possible his moves represent his getting over you instantaneously, where you’ve struggled. But they can also mark a life-wide spiral into the depths, or a painstaking effort to get on with life, or a series of logical moves apart from his feelings for you.

By the time you account for: the suitability of his new circumstances, the suitability of your old ones, the motives behind each of your choices, the random circumstances in play, your individual emotional quirks, your relationship histories, your closely held self-images, and your tea leaves this morning, any side-by-side life comparisons are rendered not just useless, but ridiculous. No matter how tempting they are.

For the sake of argument, though, let’s say that breaking up with you provided the shove he needed toward bliss. Do you know what that says about you? Nothing. The end.

Or, I guess, the beginning. Maybe he’s the reminder you need that your business is your own life, not his. If you want a new city, move. If you want a better job, start looking or training for one. Or, stay put and find new purpose in old things, or take on a cause, break a bad habit (like those mediocre relationships), learn sign language and eat better. It’s your life. You can even do two of these, four of something else, or none of the above.

You can do nothing new except wish him the best.

The operative word being: Do. Something. Look hard at your life. Pick one thing you dislike about it – genuinely, not just by empty comparison – and make a small, desirable, makeable change to it. Repeat as needed. Repeat until you don’t feel the urge to report the results to an ex you don’t really love.