Doug Clark : A warning for Miranda, Mary, Mia …

Today we will attempt to answer the question weighing on the minds of every male member of Spokane-area law enforcement:

What does Mark Haas have that I don’t have?

Haas is a trooper with the Washington State Patrol. Last summer two women he pulled over claimed the officer used the beam from his flashlight to direct them into giving him a body parts-baring peep show.

A jury in June, however, cleared Haas of any wrongdoing.

(COLUMN CLARIFICATION: There is no truth to the rumor that, after the favorable verdict, Trooper Haas signed a lucrative endorsement deal with Eveready batteries.)

In light of this we must accept that the two flashed Haas via their own kinky volition.

That should have been the end of it. But with the salacious trial details still throbbing in our minds, a brand new flashing allegation has been unveiled against Haas by a third woman.

Allow me to quote from a recent Spokesman-Review story:

“The woman said she was in the back of Haas’ patrol car in June 2005 when he suggested that she expose her breasts.”

All right, I’m going to give the officer the benefit of the doubt this time. I’m not going to jump to any sinister conclusions or suggest that this veteran trooper has redefined the term “prowl car.”

I’ll be honest. I don’t have a lot of women flashing me at work.

OK. No women ever flash me at work.

True, at times my journalistic sojourns have taken me to the occasional nudist camp or strip club. (I once interviewed three sisters who were all doing the naked bump-and-grind at a nearby jiggle joint.)

But that’s really not the same thing.

Yet in the last three years Trooper Haas has had more bosoms waggled at him than a LaLeche League leader.

The new case is in the pre-lawsuit tort claim stage.

The Washington State Patrol Troopers Association is also looking into the matter to see if any departmental flashlights were misused.

As always, I’m in no position to know what’s going on.

The only thing I can conclude is that Haas is possessed with that mysterious power over women known as “Kavorka.”

The word comes from Latvian meaning “lure of the animal.”

I got it from the “Seinfeld” episode where Kramer’s Kavorka tempts a nun to leave her order for him.

True, the nun didn’t reveal any of her assets or liabilities to Kramer. But you have to remember that this was mainstream TV.

The point is that Kavorka is as good an explanation as any for what keeps happening to Haas.

The poor man. It must be a living hell to go to work each day or night never knowing if some babe’s gonna give you an eyeful.

There’s only one logical solution.

The WSP needs to equip Trooper Haas with his own customized version of the Miranda warning.

I’d call it: The No-Flasha Warning.

Ma’am, you have the right to keep your bra-clasp locked.

Any body parts you choose to suddenly whip out at me will be duly noted in my report should you decide to join the growing parade of women who want to haul my ass into court.

You have the right to stop gyrating.

Right now. I said, stop that gyrating!

In the event that you do decide to yank off your tube top without your attorney present, please don’t take offense if I toss a blanket over you and call for backup. Or my wife.

And please – ma’am – let go of my flashlight.