July 10, 2007 in City

Corpses, sleaze and gridlock – it’s time for summer fun

Doug Clark The Spokesman-Review
 

The other day a press release arrived asking me to publish a list of ways to keep kids busy during the summer.

Tip 1: “Have them build a kite or a birdhouse …”

Tip 2: “Have kids help in the kitchen or become chefs for the day …”

“You have to motivate and stimulate their minds and bodies,” stated Vielka McFarlane, the chief egghead of some educational think tank I’ve never heard of.

Why does summer always have to be about the kids?

It’s time someone created some stimulating activities for the real heroes: the sad, sweat-stained, underpaid adults who pay for the little darlings’ soccer uniforms, tap lessons and video games and …

So at no additional cost other than your continued adoration, I give you 4 Ways to Keep You Working Stiffs Entertained This Summer.

1. Send sleazy e-mails to a superior.

Don’t worry about getting caught. As Marina Kalani demonstrated recently, you can always say – ha-ha – just kidding.

While she was a drug court administrator, Kalani sent all sorts of flirtatious e-mails to Kootenai County Prosecutor Bill Douglas, suggesting he leave his wife and calling him things like “Honey Bear.”

OK. I’ll give it a try: “Hey, Editor Saggy Bottom. Is that a dangling modifier or R U just glad to C me?”

2. Play the Name Game.

Impress your co-workers and make the job hours fly by creating amazing anagrams from letters in the names of local celebrities.

(It’s easier if you use http://wordsmith.org/anagram/.)

For example: “Assessor Ralph Baker” re-scrambles into “A Harasser Slob Perks.”

“Councilman Brad Stark” turns into “A Bankcard Scrotum Nil.”

And Coeur d’Alene bazillionaire “Duane Hagadone” eerily transforms into “A Dead Guano Hen.”

3. Visit the River of No Return.

You can’t stay chained to that desk forever.

So take a co-worker on a lunch break walk to watch nature at its deadliest from the banks of the Spokane River.

Don’t even think about fishing or swimming.

There’s too much human poo and pollutants for that.

And according to a recent news story, there have been more deceased people floating in the water than after the Titanic sunk.

(Tip: if anybody drifts by and doesn’t wave back you’d probably better call the cops.)

4. Gridlock Good Luck.

•Downtown freeway on- and off-ramps are closed for yet another summer of Interstate 90 makeover.

•Streets like Southeast Boulevard are a mess due to road repairs.

•The state Department of Transportation just closed off the Sullivan Road exit in the Valley for three weeks of repaving torment.

•Temperatures are headed for the 100s again.

No doubt about it.

It’s time to organize an office road rage betting pool.

So get out a city map and a ruler.

Use the copier to create a grid with highway construction projects highlighted.

A dollar buys you a square just like in March Madness.

Now sit back and wait for overheated drivers to start popping their corks like blown radiator caps.

Flagger flipped off at Garland and Ash?

You just won 50 bucks!

•Final thought of the day.

“Spokane Washington” in anagramese is “A Shaken Posing Town.”

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