Teenagers packing heat stir second thoughts on amendment

The right to bear arms is one of America’s most sacred rights, except when dopey teenagers start parading around with loaded weapons, which is why I’ve scratched Post Falls off my summer travel plans.

I’m not sure Zach and Stephen Doty were what our forefathers had in mind when they came up with the Second Amendment.

Zach began elevating the Post Falls community blood pressure last month after he turned 18. He strapped a loaded 9 mm Glock 19 handgun to his hip and started wearing it as a fashion accessory on trips to the library, parks, stores and even to Bible studies.

Not wanting to miss out on a chance for public contempt, 15-year-old Stephen recently joined big bro by slinging a loaded Ruger .22-caliber rifle over a shoulder.

Disturbing though this may seem, it is all perfectly legal.

(Column note: I learned about North Idaho’s Bullet Brothers thanks to the fascinating story that appeared in the Post Falls-Rathdrum edition of Your Voice. When the editors realized that not enough readers had been scared spitless, they decided to publish it again in the Sunday Spokesman-Review. That proved so successful that we will start rerunning all 5,490 of our Jim West scandal stories, beginning Thursday.)

Teenagers are like proctologists. They often poke and prod to the great discomfort of others.

It’s a shame, however, that the Dotys can’t just act out like normal jerky teens.

You know, like going way over on their cell phone minutes or getting their nipples pierced or having rock band logos tattooed on their hindquarters.

From the story I gathered that the Doty boys are polite and wholesome home-schooled zealots. They believe their gun toting actually helps society by deterring crime and reminding citizens about our freedoms and the value of investing in a Kevlar vest.

“An armed society is a polite society,” offered Zach in the story.

That is so true.

I know if I bumped into Zach or Stephen I’d be waaay less sarcastic than usual.

“Hi, Zach. Anything you need, Zach? Can I get you something, Stephen? How about a soda? Or my watch? Really, I don’t need it. Please, take it.

“Crying? No, I’m not crying. Why would I be crying?”

This is not to imply that the Dotys are up to anything sinister, like plotting a takeover of Post Falls.

Don’t be ridiculous. Who’d want it?

Don’t go pegging me as an anti-gun sissy, either.

The minute we’re invaded by, say, Canada, I’ll be right there on the front line dropping those Canuck bastards like clay pigeons.

I believe that keeping a handgun in your bedroom night table is a good idea, too. Yessir. Nothing will scare away an intruder faster than blowing your foot off.

You know, I think I’m most uneasy hearing that Zach has been hauling his nine into church and Bible studies.

Bringing a live weapon into a biblically charged atmosphere is just asking for trouble. I’ve seen God-fearing Christians go practically postal while debating what constitutes a theologically correct mode of baptism.

(I favor total immersion, by the way. In wine.)

If the Bullet Brothers were more mature they’d understand that having the right to do something doesn’t necessarily make it right to actually do it.

For example: I could walk around downtown wearing nothing but a Speedo if I wanted. But I care too much about people with heart conditions to exercise this constitutional right to bare my charms.

With the summer tourist season at hand, Post Falls Mayor Clay Larkin has weighed in on the issue with a spot-on impression of that mayor in the classic movie “Jaws.”

“I’m confident that our public is safe at this point in time,” said Larkin in the story.

I’m sure you’re right, mayor. Teenagers packing heat into the library? What possibly could go wrong?