Carolyn Hax: It is not ‘fake’ to be civil

Carolyn: My friends say that if you dislike someone, it’s best to tell them and have nothing to do with them. I argued that we should try to be nice to everybody. Although you may not go out of your way to hang out with anyone you dislike, it’s OK to be cordial, kind, speak when spoken to, etc. Thoughts? – “Fake” vs. Cordial

My first thought is that your friends could benefit from a trip to the receiving end of their purist ideals.

It’s not “fake” to be kind – to bad people, to good people, to people who think they’re blazing a path to the high ground by making others feel bad.

Civility is authentic. The genuine part, at least for me, is a fondness for going through most days without having someone remind me what an idiot I am. If your friends allow me that small courtesy, I’ll return the favor by keeping my opinion of their opinion to myself.

Dear Carolyn: Is there any difference between a person you want to go out with, and a person you just want to be friends with, other than physical attraction? – Alex

I think the difference is that when you’re just friends with someone, it levels off there, and either an attraction dies or none develops. When there’s more, the attraction grows from the friendship.

And when there’s instant attraction, remind yourself, somehow, that infatuation can lead you over the moon or into hell, and it’s nearly impossible to tell which until infatuation gives way to love/friendship/ lack thereof.

And finally, when you have friendship, growing attraction, no encumbrances, shared values and goals, mutually beneficial strengths and weaknesses, and any needed assists from fate – and when you’re safely beyond the age of delusion – then you do a stupid little dance, without caring if anyone sees it.

Carolyn: I’m 23, but this is going to make me sound like I’m in high school. I like a boy at my church; he likes me and we just started a relationship. Another girl within our group really likes him, too, and although they are good friends, he does not feel the same way. She and I were never close, but now she will barely speak to me or say hi. Is there anything I can do to make being with her in a larger group less awkward? I feel like there are so many wrong reactions to the situation (being all, “He’s mine!” or trying to be friends with her and coming off as really fake) but I just can’t see the right one. – New York

It’s your prerogative to choose to make the subtle point that this is her problem, not yours. Keep saying hello to her as if it wouldn’t occur to you not to greet a fellow adult. People are all to some degree subject to our behavior, too.