Carolyn Hax: Good looks not reliable gauge

Carolyn: Dating is depressing me. I meet lovely, smart women, and they are happy to be friends, but there is rarely any physical attraction on their part. I’m in good shape and all, but never what anyone would call “handsome.” This cycle (and it is becoming a cycle) makes me unhappy, and I’m having trouble mustering the enthusiasm to keep trying, which I suppose is the only thing to do. But is it worth trying to force myself out there? I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about these things, and I think it’s seeping over into my otherwise very nice life. – Dating Blues

Here it is: permission to stop trying.

Not that you need it, especially not from mouthy strangers who don’t know the first thing about you. But it does seem to be what you’re after, so, OK. Quit.

Just promise me you’ll quit well. Quit so you can actually enjoy your favorite things, instead of expecting something from them. Quit so you can try new things that you’d ruled out in the past for their lack of meet-someone potential. Quit so disappointment doesn’t become the common thread through all elements of your life. Quit to be yourself in a world where being yourself is enough.

If this feels like the point where I mention that you’ll feel better after you quit and therefore become more attractive, then don’t worry. I won’t do that. Any promise in this area, to anyone, is a false promise.

Instead, this is the part where I point out that initial physical attraction serves “handsome” people about as well as the not-handsome ones – in other words, nowhere near as well as you’d think. Not only are looks an unreliable measure of how well-suited people are to each other, but they can also distort the results of more reliable ones.

So live a life that’s attractive to you. Whether that’s enough doesn’t have to be something for these lovely women to decide. In the end, it can be up to you.

Hi, Carolyn: What is the best way to end a friendship? We’ve known each other for 10 years, and she continues to make decisions as though we were still in our 20s. For some people, this might not be a deal-breaker, but I think it is for me. Do you think I should talk to her in person? Let it slowly fade out? She just moved to another city, so I won’t see her in the near future. – T.

If she were doing something to hurt you, I would urge you to let her know how you feel. But what we have here is your basic growing apart, and it’s tough to make an argument that you owe it to her to share.

So when your basic growing apart gets a miracle assist from a timely moving apart, you accept it.