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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

What’s at the core is what matters

Michael Gurian wants you to ignore all of the fads, all of the trendy parenting advice that makes its way onto TV and into magazines.

There’s no “correct” number of activities for which your child must be registered. There’s no DVD that your baby must watch to become a productive member of society. There’s no one-size-fits-all bit of parenting advice by which you must abide.

Instead, the Spokane author and therapist says, you should focus on getting to know – really getting to know – your child, and you won’t need to look elsewhere.

Ask yourself, Who is he or she, really?

Gurian guides parents in answering that question in his latest book, his 22nd in the last two decades, “Nurture the Nature: Understanding and Supporting Your Child’s Unique Core Personality.”

“It is the culmination of the parenting philosophy that I’ve been developing, with the help of many others, over the last 20 years,” says Gurian, who is perhaps best-known for his 1997 book “The Wonder of Boys.”

The concept is summed up by a couple of parents Gurian quotes near the end of “Nurture the Nature” who say, “We raised them to be who they already were.”

You may think you know your child, all of his quirks and foibles, her likes and dislikes. But Gurian asks parents to take a more scientific approach to the process. He suggests parents to commit a month to “this journey of ascertaining the core nature of your child.”

The book outlines the process in great detail, but it involves examining a range of issues, including the child’s personality, temperament, learning style, emotional style, talents, strengths and vulnerabilities. Ask other close family members for help, too.

“If we don’t understand the child’s core nature, we won’t have a grounding for how we’re parenting,” Gurian says. “It’s possible that we won’t look back with wonder and appreciation but we’ll look back with guilt … If we don’t understand the child’s nature and we’re not following that, then we feel guilty and unsure.”

A child who is involved in activities that support his or her core personality will flourish, he says. (Music lessons if he shows interest, for example, or math camp if she likes numbers.)

“The child gains confidence and a sense of purpose,” he says.

But there’s no need to schedule each moment of the day; there’s much to be learned from having some down time.

“Let the child be bored for an hour and see what the child does,” he says.

Don’t turn on the TV. And don’t suggest any activities. Just see what the child does naturally.

One child might draw. Another might choose to play outside. Another might read a book. They are all clues to that person’s developing personality.

Often, in the life of a child, something traumatic will happen. A parent or grandparent may die. There may be a divorce.

“Every child will face crises and every child will face trauma,” Gurian says. “These things can affect the core personality.”

The learning comes in how that trauma is addressed, he says.

“We’re afraid of our kids failing,” he says. “I think we should respect failure in child development more and make it OK.”