Cow-Tasing means 50,000 volts of fun

Ever since spoilsports in the Washington Legislature made even attending cockfights a felony, I’ve been searching for a legal way to watch as humans show the Animal Kingdom who’s the boss.

Oh, sure, there are always rodeos or the circus. But these diversions are so tame compared to the feather-flying excitement of blade-bearing roosters slicing and dicing each other to bloody giblets.

Now, that’s what I call farm-fresh fun.

Being a law-abiding fellow, I had pretty much given up on finding another outlet to satisfy my cockfighting needs. Then last week, the solution came stampeding out of the Spokane County District Court.

Cow-Tasing.

(Not to be confused with cow-tipping.)

Judge Sara Derr reversed her earlier decision allowing a citizen to bring charges against two deputies who were involved in electri-frying a 600-pound bull calf with their police Tasers.

Last January, Derr ruled that enough probable cause existed to charge the lawmen with second-degree animal cruelty.

The judge apparently flip-flopped at the request of a deputy prosecutor.

Whatever. The point is that Derr’s about-face has given me the idea for a new “high-steaks” form of animal entertainment.

If a sheriff’s grill team can get away with rendering a stray bovine to a medium-well, why can’t the thrill-starved public be able to enjoy or participate in similar cattle fries?

This all stems from a fateful day last April when the hapless beast escaped the confines of a Greenacres farm. The animal wound up in a congested area not far from Interstate 90 and the Spokane Valley Mall.

We can all be thankful that this bull didn’t head into the mall.

I shudder to think of what would have happened had he lumbered into Wilson’s Leather and recognized some of the hides.

Bull – “Oh, my gawd. Bossie! Is that you?”

Clerk – “Everybody. Run for your liiiives!!!”

Instead, the bull opted for some peaceful easy feeding near the Centennial Trail.

Cue the buckaroo deputies. At some point, the cops apparently decided to use their Tasers to keep the calf from running to the freeway.

I think I’d have called for a cowboy with a rope. But it is always a good idea to get in some Taser training. You never know when you might need to roast a suspect.

Here’s a particularly revealing paragraph from a news story regarding what happened:

“Bates’ Taser was discharged 42 times at 5-second intervals. And Simmons’ weapon was discharged for a total of 253 continuous seconds; the gun pulses 50,000 volts through the intended target.”

No wonder the critter was cooked. You could light up Chewelah for a week with that kind of voltage.

You think I’m kidding?

Shortly after they heard about it, Avista officials doubled the sheriff’s office electricity bill.

Derr’s reversal could still be appealed. But should it stand – if no animal cruelty charges are filed – then I say let the sizzling begin.

There are many possibilities.

•Cow-Tasing would be an especially appropriate halftime entertainment at Shock arena football games.

•Restaurants could let diners electrocute their own steak dinners.

(Think of this as a slightly more violent variation on choosing live lobsters from a tank.)

Customer – “Gimme a Taser. That Holstein cowering over there in the corner looks mighty tender.”

Waiter – “An excellent choice, madam.”

So I’m hoping for your support. Together, we can make Cow-Tasing the legal answer to cockfighting.

Or you can do what you always do:

Dismiss all this as just another one of my cock-and-bull stories.