Doug Clark: Drivers and politicians give readers plenty to say

‘Clark, you are one ignorant and pathetic son of a (BLEEEP)!”

I’d like to thank the anonymous malcontent who left the above voicemail message on my work phone the other day.

Besides stating the obvious, the caller reminded me that it’s time for our spring edition of Reeeaaader’s Windbaaag.

This is the newspaper’s ongoing reality show where I let my vast crackpot fan base pop off without fear of being verified, identified or literally popped by a boozed up, trigger-happy off-duty cop.

(Editor’s note: The Windbaaag is similar to the letters to the editor page but with much higher standards.)

Taser tag, anyone?

Speaking of Spokane law enfarcement, Don was a bit befuddled by a front page headline that appeared in the Spokesman last week.

“Police form abuse team,” it read.

“Thought they already had a very effective one,” wrote Don.

Her number’ll soon be up

While driving east on Francis, George said he noticed a car weaving in another lane.

George saw something he’d never seen before: A woman sat behind the wheel of the erratic car, busily scratching a lapful of lottery tickets.

“I’d have hated to be in the lane next to her if she had scratched a winning ticket,” reported George.

All hands on the poop deck

James, a very anal reader, mailed me a classified boat advertisement he excised from The Spokesman-Review in April.

Under a photograph of the watercraft, the caption reads: “… open bowel, well maintained, clean and shiny.”

Can you hear me now?

Out on another jaunt – this time driving west on Second – George noticed that the right lane ahead was clogged worse than a pastry-addict’s arteries.

George spotted the reason for the jam as he passed: A young woman was trying to parallel park her Chevy with “one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding her cell phone.”

(Columnist aside: Thank you, George. Reading your e-mailed auto anecdotes has made me much more aware of how unsafe Spokane traffic really is. And as a concerned citizen, I believe we can make an immediate improvement by taking away your computer so you will stop scaring us all to death!)

Where the rubbers meet the road

“As a last resort or in desperation I sometimes read your articles,” declares Roger in the opening of his e-mail.

After that stirring attempt to win me over, Roger invited me to come and write about the sordid litter problem near his office.

“When I’m walking it’s not at all uncommon to spot and avoid used condoms and wrappers on the road next to the curb,” he wrote.

Roger, I have a better idea: Move.

Beatin’ the bushes, Boss

Spokane Mayor Dennis Hession made a huge mistake in firing Deputy Mayor Jack Lynch, who raised suspicions for who or what he did or didn’t do during visits to seamy High Bridge Park.

So says Bob, who knows what a wise mayor would have done.

Given Lynch’s alleged intimate knowledge of Spokane’s soft leafy underbelly, Hession should have transplanted Lynch – to the Parks Department.

Clark Douggernaut derailed

Mayor Doug would have better handled the Lynch axing.

Unfortunately, my quest to become Spokane’s next peerless leader has suffered a serious setback.

The only support came from a guy named Scott.

“You got my vote,” vowed Scott.

The wrinkle is that Scott can’t vote in Spokane because he lives in Spokane Valley.

Scott did, however, pledge $2.17 to my campaign.

“It would be more,” he wrote, “but I have to buy doughnuts.”

Hmm. Scott must be a cop.

Finally, someone who needs me

“Doug – Love your columns!!!” wrote Carolyn.

“We are refugees to Eastern Washington,” Carolyn added.

“We … have always been very thankful we did not settle in Spokane because it is plagued by so many strange problems.”

Problems? What problems?

I call it job security.