The Slice: The legend grows each time the story is told

A reader who lives inside the loop created by the Bloomsday course was telling me about a conversation he had with another “insider,” a newcomer to this area.

Apparently the newbie knew little if anything about Bloomsday. He had to be clued in to the fact that he would be essentially trapped inside the race course for a big part of Sunday.

This got me thinking.

The Bloomsday saga is certainly one of Spokane’s more exhaustively told stories. And, frankly, there’s not a lot that longtime residents haven’t already heard. So answering a newcomer’s questions presents a rare opportunity to, uh, freshen up the details about one of Spokane’s signature events.

As always, I have a few ideas.

Q: How long is the race?

A: It’s a something-something-K. About 100 miles.

Q: Where did Bloomsday get its name?

A: It was named for Leo Bloom, the accountant in “The Producers,” after race founder Don Kardong ruled out calling it “Springtime for Spokane.”

Q: What if I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the run?

A: Sorry. You can’t. You’ll have to hold it.

Q: Am I Kenyan?

A: Well, maybe, in an archaeological sense.

Q: What do you say to someone who has rammed a stroller into your Achilles tendon 89 times?

A: You could say, “I’m just guessing here, but I’ll bet you haunt no one’s dreams.”

Or, “Please, go ahead of me.”

Q: Should I wear a sports bra?

A: Yes. But not just a sports bra.

Q: What exactly is the point of Bloomsday?

A: Community spirit blah blah obesity blah blah. And it’s our annual reminder that Spokane-area residents are technically capable of getting out of their SUVs.

Q: What’s the best way to draw attention to myself in a throng like that?

A: Thong? Oh, throng. Just be your usual loud, obnoxious self and you’ll be fine. Be sure your cell phone is charged up.

Q: Is there any guarantee the platform in the back of the press truck will collapse like it did in 1988?

A: No. But one swell way to express your contempt for the media is to wait until you are on live TV and then look at the reporter and say, “You know, you really smell like reefer.”

Either that or repeatedly grab your groin.

Q: Can Bloomsday solve all of Spokane’s myriad social ills?

A: No. But maybe you can.

Q: Is it too late to start training?

A: Depends on how you define “training.”

Q: Could Bloomsday exist if Spokane had fluoridated water?

A: What?

Q: How important is upper-body strength for elite runners?

A: Elite runners do not have upper bodies.

Q: Is Bloomsday compulsory?

A: No, but reading about it is.

Today’s Slice question: Every time a bell rings, what happens in Spokane?