He’s not over his divorce

Dear Annie: I have been in a six-month relationship with “Allen.” He is the one I would like to spend the rest of my life with. Allen moved in a few months ago, and he gets along great with my teenage daughter.

The problem? I believe Allen is still in love with his ex-wife. They divorced a little over a year ago. They split up not because they couldn’t get along, but because his ex broke the news that she is a lesbian.

Since the day we first met, all he did was talk about her – things they did, places they went. They were together 10 years, and I figured she had been such a huge part of his life that most of his stories would have her in it. But he couldn’t stop. Finally, I explained how much it bothered me, and he cut back.

What really got me is when Allen first moved in, he told me his ex-wife was his soul mate, and he started choking up in my kitchen. He still gets emotional when he talks about her and keeps his wedding ring in a special place. He talks to his ex every other week (at least).

I want to be the main woman in Allen’s life, but it seems that spot is already taken. He says he loves me, and I’m sure he does, but I obviously don’t have his whole heart. Am I making a big deal out of nothing, or is this relationship doomed? – Playing Second Fiddle

Dear Fiddle: It’s too soon to tell. You began seeing Allen after he’d been divorced about six months. For many people, that would be a transition relationship. Allen is absolutely not over his ex-wife, and he needs to wrap his head around the fact that his marriage was not what he believed it to be. Allen could use some counseling, and you need to give him some time. Living together is not a good idea right now. Suggest that he find his own place, and you can continue seeing each other on a more casual basis until he is better equipped to move forward.

Dear Annie: My wife and I socialize with another married couple every month. During these gatherings, I have found the wife’s behavior to be somewhat strange. When we are at dinner, she will always order the same menu item that I do. She constantly dismisses her husband’s opinion and will ask what I think. She says to me, “We are so much alike.” She also compliments me to the point where I feel embarrassed and usually try to redirect the conversation.

My wife says it’s nothing. Am I being overly sensitive, or is this normal behavior? – Squirming in New York

Dear Squirming: This woman is flirting with you, and at some level, you recognize this and it makes you uncomfortable. As long as it doesn’t bother your wife, we think you should pointedly ignore her efforts to forge a bond with you. (It sounds as if her husband has his hands full.)