Doug Clark: Another tune that will get the toes tappin’

I got really depressed a couple of weeks ago.

We hadn’t had a kinky Republican sex scandal that I could turn into a parody song since, oh, I dunno …

Was it September?

As it turned out, there was nothing to worry about. State Rep. Richard Curtis came prancing into Spokane on a GOP retreat and drop-kicked Sen. Larry Craig right out of the news.

COLUMNIST ASIDE: Craig’s a weirdo of the first order, sure. But at least he didn’t try to toe-tap any of his airport commode neighbors while wearing spiked heels and a see-through teddy.

By now we all know the juicy allegations that spelled curtains for the representative from La Center, near Vancouver, Wash.

My favorite summation was found in the opening sentence of reporter Bill Morlin’s story last Wednesday:

“A state representative dressed as a woman and engaged in oral sex at a Spokane Valley adult bookstore before rendezvousing at a downtown Spokane hotel for another sexual encounter” with a porn model, police reports contend.

If that’s not song material, what is?

And what better tune to choose than Tom Jones’ biggest hit, “She’s A Lady.”

I picked up a CD from Al Harrison, who runs Northwest Entertainment Karaoke. Then it was on to Spokane’s Cue11 studios, where my amigo and company president, Dave Cebert, has an open-door policy to Clarkian antics.

Joe Brasch, my buddy, band mate and Cue11 producer, hammered out the lyrics with me in a scene reminiscent of the movie, “Ishtar.”

Joe: “What rhymes with ‘thinking with his glands?’ “

Doug: “I know: ‘Family values man.’”

Joe & Doug: – (in unison) BRILLIANT!!!”

Next up was the soundproof vocal booth. Once the headphones were affixed over my ears, I attempted to affect a Jones-like delivery.

I offer you two choices: 1. Sing along with the lyrics below. 2. Hear the finished production online at spokesmanreview.com.

He’s A Lady

Well, he’s Mr. GOP,

Till he flees the Statehouse scene,

And comes to Spokane.

And then when the sun goes down,

He gets dolled up and hits the town,

As a woman.

He’s a lady.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, he’s a lady.

Talkin’ about that Richard Curtis.

He’s a lady – sometimes.

Well, he says that he’s not gay,

He just dresses up that way,

To go to dinner.

Long red stockings on his legs.

Sexy sequined lingerie.

What a winner!

He’s a lady.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, he’s a lady.

Queen of the scene, that Richard Curtis.

He’s a lady – sometimes.

Hooked up with a male porn star in a dirty bookstore.

Things got hot ‘n’ heavy. Richard said he had to have more.

Next stop was a hotel room in the heart of downtown.

After all the fun and games they say there was a shakedown.

Shakedown!

When the scandal hit the news,

Another lawmaker was screwed.

It makes us queasy.

One more family values man,

Out thinking with his glands,

And acting sleazy.

He’s a lady.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, he’s a lady.

Skankin’ around and actin’ shady.

And he had to resign.