Go about your merry way
Dear Carolyn: I have been friends for two years with a guy I volunteer with in the community. I told him (in a roundabout way) that I wanted to be more than friends. He then avoids me for almost two weeks and says he’s more interested in developing himself as a person. When he told me this, I accepted that he just wanted to be friends. But now he seems to avoid me or approach me with kid gloves. Do I let him continue to treat me this way until he sees from my behavior that I’m not devastated by his lack of romantic interest? – J.
If his interest in “developing himself as a person” didn’t completely stanch your ardor, then surely the follow-up dance of adolescent avoidance did. Maybe this guy is a stealth relationship genius.
Yeah, OK. He’s probably trying to be sensitive to your feelings, by being careful not to “encourage you” or “send the wrong message” (picture these as “air quotes”). But treating your feelings as if they might be contagious “sends the wrong message” of a different sort.
If I take your version of events at face value, I think it would be perfectly appropriate to say, in a non-roundabout way, “I’m OK. If you’re tiptoeing around me, you really don’t need to.” Real quotes here, not air.
If, on the other hand, you either overstated your status as his friend, or understated the aggressiveness of your romantic pitch (for a roundabout proposition, you did get a pretty straight answer) – then maybe his avoidance dance is the kinder alternative to his saying, “Please, leave me alone.”
If you have any reason to believe that’s the case, or if you don’t know what to believe, your plan to go merrily (but not forcedly) about your business is the safest bet either way.
Carolyn: My boyfriend is very stable, responsible and loving. But I’m really attracted to someone else. He’s like me, more artistic and creative. They are complete opposites. Does this mean I don’t know what I want? The scary thing is Boyfriend and I have talked marriage. I dunno if this is just me being nervous. He would make a wonderful husband and amazing father. The other guy I don’t see working out long-term. – Los Angeles
Being married to someone who isn’t a good spouse or parent will eventually affect how much you like that person. People seem to understand that on an intuitive level.
What I think people often miss is that if you don’t like someone, then that person won’t be a good spouse or (to a lesser extent) parent. Liking someone in theory, on paper or through other people’s eyes simply isn’t enough.