The Slice: It came upon a midnight sneeze

It’s that special time of year again.

Yes, Colds and Flu Season is upon us. Let heaven and nature sniff.

So today, as a public service, The Slice presents an events calendar. To make sure you don’t miss out on any of the festivities, you might want to clip this and post it on the refrigerator or perhaps the medicine cabinet.

You won’t believe what’s planned.

Spokanthrax Day, Nov. 19: Citywide celebration noting the much-anticipated early viral outbreaks. Downtown parade and Sinus Snorters Ball at the Davenport. Also, Clammiest Handshake Contest at Spokane Valley Mall.

Phlegmfest, Nov. 23-25: Annual kickoff of germ-exchange activities sometimes known as the Christmas shopping season. Includes crowning the King and Queen of Phlegm at River Park Square and designating this year’s Day care o’ Doom.

Mucous Days, Nov. 26-30: Highlights include three-on-three nose-blowing tournament at Riverfront Park, crafts fairs at several minor emergency clinics and a children’s choir performing “I’ll Be Sick for Christmas,” “What Whiner is This?” and “Beige Christmas.”

Crudapalooza, Dec 1: Daylong music festival in Coeur d’Alene featuring several snotty bands that really should be home in bed.

Antibiotics Won’t Help Day, Dec. 6: Spokane medical personnel wear coveted AWHD T-shirts. This year’s shirt says, “It’s a Virus, Stupid!”

Sputum on the Grass, Dec. 11: Comic melodrama at Manito Park featuring the I Don’t Feel So Good Players and annual Hawking Contest.

Spokane Whacking Day, Dec. 14: Bosses who effusively praise disease-vector workers who show up at the office even when they are ridiculously ill are clubbed with foam cudgels.

Cough It Up in the Park, Dec. 15: Spokane singles mix and mingle in an outdoor speed-dating carnival. This year’s theme: “Feed a fever? Starve a cold?” Proceeds from the sale of hot toddies go to support the “Wash Your Hands, Spokane!” poster campaign.

Colds and Flu Film Festival, Dec. 16: This year’s event at the Bing features 1970’s “Diary of a Mad Housewife.”

Chances Are, You Don’t Really Have the Flu Day, Dec. 19: Symposia at Whitworth University focusing on how to get malady-inflaters to distinguish between the common cold and influenza.

Alternatives to Handshakes Day, Dec. 24: Spokane-area residents bow to one another, trade thumbs-up gestures and otherwise avoid shaking hands and, quite possibly, exchanging pathogens.

First Sick Night, Dec. 31: Ring in the new year by forcing fluids and moaning.

“Today’s Slice question: When did you learn who your friends are?