Happy Thanksgiving! A grateful Slouch ponies up
In these troubled times – by the way, I could’ve written those words at virtually any moment since my unexpected conception and birth in the waning days of the Eisenhower administration – Couch Slouch is rather thankful to still be semi-prone and clicker-ready.
As we celebrate Thanksgiving, I am grateful for all the excesses of Sports Nation, allowing me to grouse about them, and I am grateful for all the readers who endure my weekly rage. I cannot personally show my gratitude to, say, Barry Bonds or Bill Belichick, but I can personally show my gratitude to readers by offering an expanded (and expensive) $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway!
Q. Is gardening considered a sport? (Jay Dean; Pittsburgh)
A. Gardening is not a sport; it is, however, the world’s second oldest profession. For more on this, one should read the compelling account of Adam and Eve’s disgraced gardener, Stu Lipinsky, “I Hate Pomegranates and Other Tales From the Garden of Eden.”
Q. I believe in second chances, but why would the Dolphins give Ricky Williams, like, a 22nd chance? (Marc Weyler; Bothell, Wash.)
A. Williams is a two-way threat: Whether it’s a nickel defense or a nickel bag, he can score for you.
Q. Do you believe in the theory that NFL dome teams can’t win cold-weather games? (Reed Chandler; Bolivar, Tenn.)
A. Have you ever tried to work outdoors when it’s cold? Early in my career, I toiled as a reporter in Washington, D.C., and on some January mornings, I couldn’t even keep the pen in my hand. Then I relocated to Southern California, where, as the soft breezes gently roll in off the Pacific Ocean, I write comfortably and confidently and, according to most Internet polls, am regarded as one of the nation’s top sports columnists year in and year out.
Q. If Isiah Thomas were named the new leader of al Queda, would world terror come to an immediate end? (Bryan J. Smith; Pittsburgh)
A. You have uncommon insight into interior defense and international relations.
Q. Who do you believe is the most overrated NFL coach? (Chuck Lewis; Newberry, S.C.)
A. I hate to single out any one individual, but I believe the Mayan civilization would’ve lasted maybe six months if Herm Edwards had led them.
Q. Will Eli Manning ever be as good as Peyton Manning? (Jeff Allan; Colorado Springs, Colo.)
A. Cain and Abel, Theo and Vincent Van Gogh, Peter and Jane Fonda.
Q. When you were dating Toni – a k a She Could Be The One III – did you have the benefit of a sideline reporter? (Wilbur Lazernik; Rockville, Md.)
A. No. And I’ll be perfectly blunt with you: Had there been a sideline reporter, I don’t think we make it to a second date.
Q. I’m sure you’re stoked by the start of another college basketball season – who would be in your dream Final Four? (Robert Newell; Pittsfield, Mass.)
A. In my dreams, there would be no Final Four. In my dreams, Clark Kellogg and Billy Packer would be working on a road crew picking up litter along Route 1 in central Florida. In my dreams, intercollegiate basketball and intercollegiate football would be shut down, with on-campus arenas and stadiums replaced by bowling centers and pool halls. Then again, I usually have trouble falling asleep.
Q. Have you ever tested positive for anything? (Ben Semiatin; Wheaton, Md.)
A. Abject misery.
Q. Shouldn’t Don Shula put an asterisk next to his weight when he fills out applications because he used NutriSystem and its patented Gylcemic Index? (Tom Simpson; Washington, D.C.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Do you know what Cedric Benson’s combine time was in the 40 or did he only run 2.9 yards there also? (Tim Sweeney; Villa Park, Ill.)
A. Pay this fella too, Shirley.
Q. When Shirley leaves you, like all your ex-wives did, can I have her job? (Michele Wells; Tampa, Fla.)
A. The line forms to the right, sweetheart – bring two references and a six-pack of PBR.