Doug Clark: Good gravy! It’s a Thanksgiving Q and A

Well, whataya know. Thanksgiving’s on Thursday again.

Let’s commemorate our good karma with another visit from the guy who knows more about family, carving knives and giblets than Charles Manson.

It’s time for Ask Professor Pilgrim.

Before Professor Pilgrim gets to the meat of it, we have been asked to announce the following closures:

The U.S. Post Office. Spokane City Hall. Dennis Hession’s political future.

Now let the holiday wisdom begin.

Q: Professor Pilgrim, how do I know if my turkey’s not done enough?

A: If the bird passes you the bean salad.

Q: Good gravy, Professor Pilgrim. How old is that joke?

A: Charles Rowe heard it while coming over on the Mayflower.

Q: Is that your twisted way of saying happy retirement to Spokane’s venerable TV news anchor?

A: Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.

Q: Each year my relatives come over for Thanksgiving dinner. Each year we get into a big fight. What do we do, Professor Pilgrim?

A: Drive to Pullman and pledge Delta Chi.

Q: Oh, Professor Pilgrim, isn’t there another way?

A: Yes. Theta Chi.

Q: With so much depressing news in the world, is there anything to be thankful for this year?

A: I’ll say. Fred Russell and Arlin Jordin are convicted creeps eating canned turkey in the can.

Q: Many people begin Thanksgiving dinner by saying grace. Does Professor Pilgrim believe in the power of prayer?

A: Professor Pilgrim believes in the power of schnapps.

Q: “Good Morning America” is coming to Coeur d’Alene to broadcast the Lake City’s Holiday Light Show. What exciting post-Thanksgiving news can Spokane look forward to?

A: The panhandlers have promised to wear pants.

Q: Say, Professor Pilgrim, what’s the difference between Thanksgiving turkeys and Pamela Anderson?

A: The turkey breasts are natural.

Q: Boy, we didn’t see that one coming a mile away.

A: Bite me.

Q: Professor Pilgrim, what’s worse than finding a curly hair in the Jell-O?

A: Finding the turkey baster in the medicine cabinet.

Q: How do I reduce my Thanksgiving guest list without hurting anyone’s feelings?

A: I recommend the Wallace method. Tell everyone Idaho Gov. Butch Otter will be giving a speech. Nobody’ll show up.

Q: What’s Professor Pilgrim’s favorite Thanksgiving tradition?

A: “ZZZZZzzzzzz”

Q: Is that the sound of Professor Pilgrim snoring after a full meal?

A: Nope. That’s the sound of Professor Pilgrim unzipping his trousers after a full belly.