If you’re ever in big trouble, the kind of trouble that requires a press conference apology, remember this: Be deeply sorry.
It’s the perfect phrase for the dubious apology. Larry Craig was deeply sorry that Idahoans had been put through the nasty scandal surrounding his bathroom antics. His sorrow wasn’t about his own actions, of course, but about the press mob that drove him to it.
Last week, Marion Jones told reporters she was deeply sorry about lying over steroid use. Her deep sorrow is fairly typical – coming after criminal charges were filed.
After Michael Richards’ racist rant at a comedy club, he became “deeply, deeply sorry.” That’s twice as sorry as Craig. Harry Whittington was deeply sorry for getting shot in the face by veep Dick Cheney. Pope Benedict was deeply sorry – though not technically apologetic – over insensitive remarks about Muslims.
Can’t anybody come up with any other ways of measuring their sorrow? Provisionally sorry? Pathetically sorry? Unpersuasively sorry?
We like “retroactively sorry.”