Carolyn Hax: Girlfriend plays power game

Carolyn: My girlfriend of three months snooped into my e-mail while left alone in my place. She is upset about e-mails I sent long before I met her, which admittedly were a bit tawdry. I think I am in love with her, so do not necessarily want to end it. She is not remorseful, however, for her snooping. I am trying to conjure an appropriate reaction, but I am having to defend my character in the process. Any advice is appreciated. – Austin, Texas

I don’t think I’ve ever heard a bluff actually begging to be called before. I can hear this one from here.

You have a tawdry electronic past. If she were genuinely freaked out by that, she would be gone. This is how people work: They do what they want. Consciously or not. Don’t be distracted by all the colorful stuff they do or say to rationalize it.

In this case, your girlfriend is mounting a colorful and distracting power grab. She’s insecure, so she ransacks your private files in search of assurances that simply don’t exist – probably, like everyone else, that you aren’t going to leave her or make a fool of her.

Then, upon finding something that makes her feel more uneasy, not less, does she leave? No. She needs to keep you, remember, not lose you. So she rolls up her discovery and beats you with it for the purpose of extracting the assurances she so badly wants. Apparently with some success: You’re working to keep her now, instead of the reverse, even though your infraction sounds minuscule compared with hers. She has her upper hand.

One of the problems with her bluff is merely the fact of a bluff. Again: If she were upset enough to leave, then she’d have left; if she just needed more information before deciding, she’d be asking for more information. Instead I get the impression she’s putting you through the indefinite dance of self-defense – an extremely effective way to use your shame to cover up the fact she has no intention of leaving. Healthy relationships are built on honest emotional dealings; smoke and mirrors aren’t healthy for anyone except advice columnists.

All this bad stuff and we haven’t even touched the worst: Her rationalization dance is distracting you from her egregious behavior. Righteous indignation, from a sneak? You knew to include her lack of remorse in your letter. You know how wrong it is.

You have three months with this person, and you have the following to show for it: the possibility that you love her, the certainty that she snooped, the certainty that she’s without remorse, and a pretty good case that she’s using all three things against you. Three months. Conjure what you will.