His fixation on ex is wrong

Dear Annie: What is a woman to do when her husband is still in love with his first girlfriend? I am a married woman with four children. My husband, “Shane,” continues to hold a torch for “Mary.” The thing is, Mary never really liked him that much. When we first married, I knew part of him would always love her, but I think it’s gone too far.

Two months ago, Shane met Mary in a cafe. He didn’t tell me. Mary actually called and told me she saw him. She said Shane didn’t bother to mention that he was married or that we have children. Mary, however, made sure to ask.

I really love my husband, but maybe love means letting someone go. Is that what I need to do? – Confused in Montreal

Dear Montreal: Shane is not in love with Mary. He is infatuated with the idea of her, and since she is unavailable to him, he has turned her into an obsession. It’s not romantic. It’s disturbing. And he would be no better off if he were unattached. Tell Shane you know about his meeting with Mary, you realize he is still fixated on her and that he has an obligation to you and your children to work on his marriage. Insist that he go with you for counseling and learn to appreciate what he has before he throws it away.

Dear Annie: I’ve been divorced for more than 10 years. In the process, my ex-wife has alienated my family to the point where they want nothing to do with her. The problem is that, along the way, my family has left my children out in the cold.

My family avoids contact with the kids because they don’t want to deal with my ex-wife. Worse, my ex has taught the children that someone shows their love by what they buy for you.

I’ve moved closer to my children in order to take a more active part in their lives and, hopefully, to help them become closer with my family. I’ve been encouraging contact on both sides, but I’m meeting with some resistance, especially on the part of my sisters. What can I do? – Forlorn Dad

Dear Dad: Explain to your family that it is unfair to everyone if they give up on your children because the ex is so difficult. We assume you see the children on a regular basis, which means it’s up to you to be an involved role model for your children, teaching them that love cannot be bought and seeing that they spend time with their grandparents, aunts and uncles, forming a closer bond.