Gather ‘round, ghouls. Tomorrow is Halloween and I’m betting there are still a lot of bank tellers, store clerks and office workers who haven’t quite settled on what costume they will wear all day to annoy the rest of us.
A Web site I perused reports that celebrity costumes are hot this year. One suggestion is to dress up like Amy Winehouse. (All you need is a giant black beehive hairdo, a dozen bad tattoos and enough dope to stone the population of Cleveland.)
Well, that getup may work in New York City. But it won’t fly here in the Ingrown Empire.
Quite frankly, most Spokane-area residents wouldn’t know Amy Winehouse from the Arbor Crest wine cellar.
But never fear. Count Dougula is here. In what has become an annual tradition, I have conjured up some surefire costume ideas based on some of our scary real life creatures.
•Who’s a bigger flight risk than a bald eagle?
Why, Night of the Living Fred Russell, of course.
Six years after fleeing to Ireland to avoid trial, Russell is finally facing counts of vehicular homicide and vehicular assault in court.
Guess which verdict I’m pulling for.
Anyway, you’ll need three essential items for a Night of the Living Fred costume:
1. A red wig. 2. An arrogant scowl. 3. A wide yellow stripe running up your back.
•What giant ravenous beast roams the Selkirk forests?
Hide the children. It’s the garbage-gorging griz!
These once rare and noble grizzly bears have been reduced to dangerous invasive scavengers thanks to idiot humans who feed them like chipmunks.
Want to be a garbage-gorging griz for Halloween?
All it takes is a bear suit and some backyard feed or whatever else you can dig out of an unsecured trash can.
(Blood splatters due to having to be put down by a game official are optional.)
•He’s the lord of the airport layover. He’s that hands-on senator who flies the friendliest skies.
Yes, why not give everyone a good Halloween grope by going as Larry “The Mandate” Craig?
The costume is a cinch. You’ll need the requisite American flag lapel pin, an airline ticket and a few pieces of toilet paper taped to your tap shoes.
Oh, and make sure you don’t say “Trick or Treat.”
When the time comes, just shout: “I am NOT gaaaay!!!”
•Paris and Lindsay. Britney and K-Fed. Posh and Becks …
There are many good choices for a costumed duo.
But Spokane has the best bombastic combatants since Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield’s ear.
I’m talking about our very own mayoral race Bickersons: Dennis Hession and Mary Verner.
To get the Hession look right I would recommend dropping about 50 pounds and carrying a plump report from a costly outside consultant.
Your Verner will need a handful of casino chips and an “I’m running against stupid” T-shirt.
•And now for the saddest Halloween costume of all:
The laid-off Spokesman-Review journalist.
Because of bottom-line appreciation, 10 to 15 S-R newsroom staffers will be shown the door or eased into early retirement.
Impersonating a laid-off Spokesman-Review journalist is as easy as saying adios.
Here are the essential components: 1. An empty notepad. 2. A dried-up pen and …
3. A knife in the back.