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Doug Clark: Craig needs to pick a stance

Welcome to day 112 of the Larry Craig airport toilet-trolling miniseries.

I know. You say you’re all sick and tired of the Craig coverage by now.

You’re so sick of it that “Tap Three Times” – the Larry Craig parody song I recorded with Cue11’s Joe Brasch (and groovy Spokesman-produced video) – is hovering around 70,000 hits on the Internet site YouTube.

(All these years wanting to put out a big song and it has to be about a bonehead in a bathroom bust.)

The only way this will go away is when Craig stops with the headline-making announcements. Besides, while we may not want to admit it, this scandal involving the conservative Idahoan’s pooclivities has unveiled an important issue.

And that is that America does NOT need a national health care system.

Not until we install a better senatorial psychiatric care system.

Based on the Republican lawmaker’s recent flip-flops before the media, I believe Mr. Craig suffers from mood swings, paranoid outbursts of indecision as well as the crippling RFS (Restless Foot Syndrome).

To recap the psychotic events:

“Craig pleaded guilty to a disorderly conduct charge after being popped in a lewd behavior sting at a Minneapolis airport restroom.

“Craig, after being found out, announced that he wanted to take back the guilty plea.

“Craig held a press conference to announce that he will retire from the Senate for the benefit of humanity and to enhance his lawyer’s stock portfolio.

“Craig’s mouthpiece announced that his boss is reconsidering the aforementioned retirement decision.

Psychologically speaking, and with due respect, I believe the senator is out of his freaking gourd.

Can Craig be so naïve as to think that he can keep making these important decisions only to turn around and say: “Never Miiind.”

Please, Larry. There are no “do-overs” in life.

Oh, if only there were. If only I could rewind the “Life of Doug” movie. There are so many decisions I’d do over.

Decisions such as …

“Taking my father’s advice and voting Nixon.

“Asking the umpire at one of my son’s baseball games to “please remove that giant fat lady” who was distracting our pitcher by being parked in a lawn chair directly behind the home plate fence.

To which the umpire huffed: “Giant fat lady? That giant fat lady is MY wife.”

“That half-hour I lost watching “According to Jim.”

“Getting my hair permed. (Come on. It was 1978.)

“Chasing last night’s piece of German chocolate cake with a slab of carrot cake.

You know what bothers me? Not once in all of Larry Craig’s backtracking has he addressed the one throbbing issue that any sane person would want to undo.

I’m talking about Craig’s claim that the reason he had his hand down under the toilet stall was that he was picking up some mysterious piece of paper from off the bathroom floor.

Are you kidding me?

I’ve utilized plenty of public johns during my lifetime. And not once have I felt the tiniest urge to pick ANYTHING off the befouled floor.

(I don’t know what it is about guys. But a significant percentage of us can’t use a urinal without missing it half the time.)

For the record, the only way I”m picking paper off a toilet floor is if said paper happens to be green and imprinted with a portrait of Ben Franklin.

Even then I’m going to boil my hand.

Quite frankly, I don’t know for certain whether or not Larry Craig was using his layover to engage in a restroom reach-around.

But I do know this: That paper-picking confession is reason enough to send the senator packing.

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