Annie’s Mailbox: Heavy drinking a divisive force

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been together almost four years and have a very strong bond with my side of the family. But my husband drinks quite frequently, and when he does, he becomes loud and obnoxious and could care less about the world around him.

This past weekend, we were at a family picnic and my husband was drinking. He also was driving a four-wheeled ATV on my family’s land, back and forth. Once, he rode off and didn’t return. Of course, I was scared. As my father and I went looking for him, my husband popped up over the hill like nothing had happened. He said he wasn’t able to get the ATV into reverse and that’s what took him so long. We asked him to get off the ATV before someone got hurt. My dad was furious, and my husband insisted on leaving because he “refuses to be spoken to like that.”

While I was getting our children ready to leave, my father and husband were talking to each other, but Dad became a little aggressive and told my husband that he needs to slow down his drinking because he has responsibilities. Later, when they both came to their senses, my father apologized for his temper and told my husband he loved him. They then shook hands and hugged.

Well, when we got home, my husband said Dad insinuated he was worthless and that Dad doesn’t care about him, which is not true. Now my husband refuses to speak to my dad or return his calls. How can I mend family ties? – Heartbroken in Louisiana

Dear Louisiana: Your husband has a drinking problem, and the real reason he is avoiding your father is because Dad called him on it. He prefers denial. Before your husband kills himself or someone else while riding drunk, please contact Al-Anon (al-anon.alateen.org) at (888) 4AL-ANON (888-425- 2666).

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 23 years and have four children. He is a good husband and father in every way except one. When we are with company, he will say hurtful things at my expense, under the guise of being a joke. When I call him out on these comments, he always says he is just joking. He never did this before we were married. Why does he do it? – Joanna

Dear Joanna: Either this is how your husband expresses hostility, or he truly thinks he has to entertain an audience and you are his easiest target. If there is other evidence of hostility, you need to work on that, possibly with professional help. If he’s just making jokes at your expense, let him know it is hurtful and embarrassing and he needs to knock it off. Beyond that, all you can do is ignore him.