Doug Clark: On your marks, get set – jailbreak!

I‘m back – and not a checkered flag too soon.

This happens every time I go on vacation. I return only to find that in my abscess, the entire region has gone to hell in a handmaiden.

Case in point is the real estate quandary the Spokane County Commission now faces.

1. Commissioners are looking for just the right location where they can erect a new jail.

2. They just bought the Spokane Raceway Park and surrounding properties in an auction for $4.4 million of our tax money.

Hello? Do I need to connect the dots?

The answer is easy: Build the hoosegow next to the drags.

And by drags I mean the racetrack, not inmates wearing fishnets and mascara.

I realize the commissioners did give some scant attention to putting the jail there.

Sorry, not good enough.

This needs to happen. A handcuff hotel with a raceway vantage will give the jail population a wholesome diversion from the day-to-day lockup life activities such as riots, filing toothbrush handles or getting fried on hand sanitizer.

Plus the Spokane Raceway Park complex is near Northern Quest Casino.

In the event of a bust-out, an escapee can catch a convenient shuttle to town, enjoy the always-tasty buffet or see an exciting show like Ringo Starr.

I couldn’t believe it when I heard that Ringo is scheduled to appear at Northern Quest this summer.

Spokane finally gets a Beatle – and it’s Ringo?

That’s like hitting the lottery for $43.50.

I’d rather see Heather Mills dance.

But getting back on track (har), on Tuesday night a group of racing fans showed up at a County Commission meeting to say thanks for buying the park.

Gentlemen, start your butt smooching!

For the record, full credit for this boondoggle should go to Commissioners Mark Richard and Todd Mielke. They were the ones who gave the nod to pour millions down the ol’ carburetor and get the county into the racing biz.

Not everyone, however, is so appreciative.

“What kind of monkey business is going on here?” asked a woman in a recent letter to the editor.

Bravo.

She finished her missive by calling for Mielke’s and Richard’s ousters in next fall’s election.

As you know, I have been critical of these two fearless leaders for some of their past antics. But I think being voted out is too easy. The public can actually reap raceway riches by keeping them around.

I say we put Richard and Mielke behind the wheels of some funny cars or other souped-up rides.

Wouldn’t you buy a ticket to watch these two Republicans burning rubber instead of burning our tax dollars?

Featuring the pair in a demolition derby would be an even bigger payoff.

True, racing is a dangerous endeavor.

But in the event of an unfortunate burst of gravity, we could always rename the parkway in their honor.

The Mark and Todd Memorial Tax and Spend Speedway.

It’s so rewarding to be back solving the community’s problems again.