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Take a drink, hold your nose, mark your ballot

Sun., Aug. 17, 2008

On Friday I finally cracked open my primary ballot and began the painstaking process of selecting which liars I’ll choose to represent me.

All politicians lie, although most of them prefer to call it campaigning.

Being able to elect your favorite fibber is the foundation of this great Republic we call America.

But this is never an easy task. Especially considering that so many candidates are lawyers, which gives them a professional prevaricating edge.

Which liar will lie most often to your advantage? This is the question every voter must answer.

That’s why the mail-in ballot has been such a boon to the political process.

It gives voters the time to make thoughtful decisions in the privacy of their homes while drinking heavily. I’m partial to voting on my deck amid a clutter of empty margarita pitchers.

But it doesn’t really matter what you drink. The important thing is to get something alcoholic into your system fast enough to numb the initial outburst of resentment and disappointment that comes with examining a ballot.

“What? This group of losers is the best we have to choose from? YOU’VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!”

Back in the old days of the public polling place, it was much harder to drink while voting.

Voters had to smuggle their booze into the booth via hollow umbrella handles. Or they might wear one of those beer-holder hats with the long straws.

Most voters, alas, didn’t care enough about their country to risk violating the open container laws.

They wound up voting sober, which explains Richard Nixon.

After eight years of Bush, we voters have to be really careful in picking the next Commander in Deceit.

Democrat Barack Obama, for example, is campaigning loudly on a load of baloney he calls “Change.”

That sounds really great until you stop to analyze what that might actually mean.

REPORTER: “President Obama, the Associated Press is reporting that you sold Utah to Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. How do you respond to this?”

OBAMA: “Hey, I told you I’d give you change. Besides, it’s Utah. What’s the big whoop?”

REPORTER: “Sorry, sir. Point taken.”

But would swallowing Republican John McCain’s line of bull be any better?

MCCAIN TV AD: “Some whippersnappers say I’m too old for the presidency just because I’ve been in the Senate since the Garfield administration. Well, that’s not old. That’s called experience.

“I’m John McCain and I … Hey, you kids. Get the hell off of my lawn!”

The good news is that we have a couple of months before getting screwed by a new president.

The matter at hand is the primary. And there’s no time to spare. Ballots must be postmarked no later than Tuesday.

So let’s see. Whoa. We’ve got 10 candidates on the ballot for Washington governor.

And one of them is named “Duff”?

You’ve gotta be kidding.

There’s only one thing for you smart intoxicated voters to do – scribble my name in the write-in spot for every race.

You heard me. Maybe I’ll get lucky and win a better-paying job.

So vote for Doug – the only liar you can trust.

(This ad was paid for by Tequila Distillers for Clark.)

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or

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