The Slice: This bright idea brought to you by The Slice Group

I’ve always wanted to be a consultant.

And finally, after years of mulling, I have come up with a business plan.

For an unreasonable fee, I will critique your outdoor holiday decorations.

This might be an offer you cannot afford to pass up.

Consider this: We all know that lots of people in the Spokane area have bad taste and poor judgment. We see evidence every day.

Statistically, there’s a decent chance that you are one of those individuals.

But here’s the thing. People with lousy taste usually don’t know it.

That’s why it makes sense to call The Slice Group. At The Slice Group, we are dedicated to giving you the peace of mind that comes with hearing an honest evaluation of your flair for seasonal decorating.

We’re not your family. We actually want to help.

Our motto: “Sometimes the truth hurts.”

Years of walking to the office in the dark uniquely qualify me to assess your lights and inflatables. I haven’t just been zipping through neighborhoods in a speeding car. I have taken the time to see what works and what doesn’t.

Now I am prepared to share that hard-earned expertise with you – for a price.

Don’t be the laughingstock of your neighborhood. Sleep soundly, comforted by the realization that a professional know-it-all has guided your decorating efforts.

The Slice Group offers five levels of service. Clients may choose the plan that best meets their needs and ability to pay.

1. Christmas Golden Circle Plan: Comprehensive analysis, including detailed report on the strengths and weaknesses of your outdoor display. We’ll tell you if the lighting colors you have chosen are right and whether the sagging blow-up figures on the lawn need to be put out of their misery. Includes a tout mentioning your name and address in The Slice column.

2. Yule Be Proud Plan: Hands-on evaluation of your decorating scheme. If your Santa looks satanic, we’ll tell you. If your reindeer look like propped-up roadkill, your friends at The Slice Group will lay some seasonal tough love on you.

3. Wise Men Super-Savings Plan: We’ll tell you either that “It looks pretty good” or we will make a face and place a consoling hand on your shoulder.

4. Holy Night Blowout Plan: Ask about our whole-block discount. How may we bill you?

5. O Little Town of Cheapskates Plan: Our most affordable package features me phoning you and asking for descriptions of your display. I’ll snort, sigh or chuckle in a helpful way.

Sign up now. Operators are standing by.

•Today’s Slice question: Do you read the Christmas Fund stories?