Taming the tantrums

I could hear the child’s wail from halfway across the grocery store.

My first reaction was, “Oh God, that poor mom!” Then I realized the little boy’s voice sounded all too familiar.

It was my son, of course, screaming from the bulk section of the grocery store. In my effort to be efficient on a recent Sunday morning, I headed over to the toiletries section by myself to look for dental floss while my husband shopped with our two young children.

When I found my family again, my husband was holding our toddler while my 4-year-old struggled to get out of the oversized cart as it blocked the aisle in between the produce and bulk bins.

That’s when I noticed this older woman trying to get by. I apologized and pushed the cart out of her way, but she didn’t say a word. She just gave me this haughty look of disapproval.

Moments like these make me want to burst into tears myself.

A child in the throes of a temper tantrum – in public, no less – can make even the best parent want to run out of the store and hide.

But since running away or throwing your own tantrum isn’t an option, what, exactly, can a mom or dad do?

I recently posed this question on The Spokesman-Review’s Parents Council blog (www.spokesman review.com/blogs/parents) and a number of parents were kind enough to respond. While several commiserated with me and shared some of their own stories, others offered some helpful advice on how to prevent or react to these public meltdowns.

“It’s frustrating when kids act out in public places, especially when there are errands that need to be completed,” wrote reader Kelly M. on the blog. “It’s worse when we feel scrutinized by onlookers!”

While it’s often embarrassing when your child loses it in a public place, tantrums are actually developmentally normal for toddlers and preschoolers, assured several parents as well as experts in early childhood development.

“It’s hard for kids to contain these feelings,” explained Amy Swanson, executive director of the Vanessa Behan Crisis Nursery and a longtime parent educator. “They don’t have the words or they can’t find the words fast enough to handle the situation they’re in.”

Young kids start throwing tantrums around the age of 2, she said, but they usually outgrow it by the time they’re 4, 5 or 6. Keep in mind, she said, that even grown-ups experience frustration when they can’t find the right words, so it’s not uncommon for a child at any age to pitch an occasional fit.

It helps to look at the situation through the eyes of a child, Swanson said. Don’t go shopping when they’re tired or hungry, she advised. Don’t go in the evenings or when it’s close to naptime.

“Sometimes, we set them up for tantrums just by the environment we put them in,” Swanson said. “Are we taking them to the grocery when they need a nap or a snack? How many errands are we trying to squeeze in one day?”

Several parents suggested playing games such as “I Spy” with the kids and bringing a toy and snack to make the shopping trip more fun.

A reader named Janean noted on the blog how she usually takes her 4-year-old daughter straight to the bagel bin whenever they go grocery shopping. That way, her little girl can enjoy a cinnamon-raisin treat while they shop together in peace.

It also helps to get your kids involved while looking for items in the store, according to several moms.

Grocery shopping, even with young children, is a good opportunity for kids to learn about self-restraint and how to behave in public, wrote Laurie Rogers, a Parents’ Council member. “They also can begin to learn about proper nutrition, how to read labels, how to make good choices, how to put healthy meals together in interesting ways, how to budget, and how to make change.”

Use these shopping trips as opportunities to teach your child, Swanson suggested.

“It requires a lot of work and creativity but it’s important to do it up front so that you can have a positive experience instead of letting everyone get crabby,” she said.

Swanson also advised parents to teach their children how to communicate and also to use their words. Reassure your child that it’s OK to feel angry or frustrated, she said, and encourage them to talk about their feelings instead of acting out. They’ll also learn how to do this if you set an example as a parent.

Several parents also stressed the importance of talking to children about consequences – what will happen if they choose to misbehave.

“… I always used the tactic of telling my children that if they didn’t stop we would leave the store immediately and all other activities for the day would be canceled,” wrote a reader named Andee. “That always nipped it in the bud. I had to actually use it once but never again.”

Another mother, Jennine, wrote that she often tells her children how much fun she has when she shops with them and how she praises them for their good behavior.

“I had my two help as much as possible with them knowing they would be cart-bound the second they strayed, which meant they learned early that they had to stay right with me,” she wrote. “… I do think they have to know you’re going to follow through on whatever you say, so if you say you’re going to leave the store and sit in the car until they’re calmed down, you have to do it, and you have to completely ignore them in the car. The great thing is, grocery-shopping does get way easier.”

In the event that your child does throw a tantrum, Swanson advised that it’s important for parents to also take a quick mental “time-out.”

“Stop, take a deep breath, count to 10,” Swanson said. Otherwise, a mom or dad can get caught up in the emotions, too, and won’t be able to adequately respond to the situation.

If a situation feels too overwhelming, it’s also not a bad idea to just pick up your child and go, she said. Drop the cart off with a clerk and explain the situation, she said. Then take your child home.

In any event, try to ignore the public scrutiny, most parents advised. It’s upsetting when your child has a meltdown at the grocery store, they said, but it’s a situation that can happen to anyone.

“It may feel like you’re the only person who has ever had a child throw a tantrum, but you’re not,” Swanson assured. “Usually, the looks (of disapproval) are from the people who don’t have children. … But this is what children do. You’re not the only one.”